Little Matty Boy’s Comics - CRUMBLE!
Presented here are my comic strips entitled CRUMBLE! that I made when I was around 9-10. Oh dear. Yes. I thought these were GOOD back then! Just click on the images to make them appear big in new windows. Enjoy… or not! …more
Morning Sickness
Many have been the times where I have awoken feeling sick, retching over my pillow then going back to sleep on it. Feeling dizzy then crashing back down upon my piles of lager cans. Hopping about on one foot until I inadvertently stagger into the remains of last night’s fun, before stuffing it in a bin liner and burying it out in the garden deep so the neighbour’s dog can’t find it. Yes, I’m talking about morning sickness. …more
Icewind Dale - The Ultimate Walkthrough!
Currently, via a CD ROM kindly leant to me by a friend without his knowledge, I have been hacking my way through Icewind Dale, a game like Baldur’s Gate, only colder. That’s all you need to know. Well, that and the fact that you must make up a team of six characters and watch as they die horribly… I mean beat up Goblins and suchlike. Yeah. But it’s a hard game. Very hard. So in order to help all those new at this game, and not as skilled as me, I have decided to create a walkthrough. Huzzah!
First, you will need to create your own set of six characters. Since I have already completed this game, I shall use the characters I already had. This will, however, result in the fact that mine will be insanely powerful, whilst yours will be as weak as a newborn kitten. But that just means you’re not trying hard enough. Did Henry the Eighth give up when his craft, Apollo 13, nearly crashed on Mars? No, I think not. Now for a run-down of my characters:
1 - Jerry Springer
Every cut-and-thrust party needs an embittered fighter, a man whose entire life has been spent in conquest of one form or another, for whom war is the only life they’ve ever known. More importantly however is the fact that every cut-and-thrust party needs a third-rate chatshow host. I decided to choose Jerry Springer, since I reasoned that his sharp wit would be able to cut through any goblin horde. I was wrong though …more
King Of Knock-Offs - Landcross
I’m not a big fan of going shopping on the weekends. There’s the crush of people all clawing and shoving at each other, there are the legions of welfare mums with five prams each, and little old ladies doddering about everywhere in front of you. Sadly my work shoes exploded on me so I was forced to run the gauntlet of Birmingham City Centre to find replacements.
My shopping trip brought me to Poundland (no, I wasn’t going to buy shoes there, god). Poundland is a cheap UK shop where everything costs a pound, surprisingly enough. It is usually full of the lowest of the low, the chaviest of the chavs and, well, me.
Looking at their toy aisle for exciting knockoffs to write about, I was saddened to see that their ‘Armada Optimus Prime Squad’ line of toys was no longer in stock. What they did have however, was a set of gigantic Multiforce knockoffs! Wresting the chewed cards out of the hands of screaming children, I took my prizes and ran for the exit!
Multiforce was a line of Transformers released in Japan as part of the Victory line in 1989. Together they formed the gestalt Landcross. Now, Multiforce were small. Very small. So small in fact that they were pretty much Micromasters and indeed were sold as such in the reissue line …more
Extendar - Tower of Lameness
He-Man was always a cult thing with its weird and wonderful characters, from the guy who had the head of an elephant to King Hiss, the evil king of all snakes. Who looked like Sam Neill with a giant head. There were many others that were forgotten however, such as Clamp Champ, the man whose power was… he held a weapon! And Ninjor, the fiendish… ninja. It’s like they weren’t trying anymore. And that’s the epic background here.
Now, one of these later toys was Extendar. Someone I’d forgotten totally about until reminded by someone on the internet how much he sucks. Recently though I had all my old He-Man toys down from the attic (you’ll find out why eventually) and my dad came in (since I’m home from University). He immediately walked to the box, picked out Extendar, said “cool, Extendar”, and started to play with him. This was strange for two reasons - firstly my dad generally snarls at anything I have, even my crappy display of Transformers that I bravely put up on my shelf. And more importantly, I never realised that Extendar was such a cult figure that his name would still be remembered to this day by someone [EDIT] years old. It’s truly a mystery. But who is Extendar, and what makes him tick?
The ULTIMATE Battle
It is the year 2005. The heroic Autobots, poorly led by Alpha Trion, have been utterly and totally defeated by the Decepticons in a surprise attack. Surprise meaning the Decepticons walked up to the Autobots and shot them. Repeatedly. With guns, no less.
Stigmata Made Easy
One day, I was idly pruning my nettles which reside outside my house in an attempt to kill children, when I noticed a peculiar occurrence - the palms of my hands were bleeding, and it wasn’t because I’d lost a game of stabby-stabby with my mum. No, it was a stigmata, ie religious bleeding.
At first, I thought one of the little punks from the Primary School had taken pot-shots at me again, …more
Collectible Connectables
Cars are popular with kids. At that age, you couldn’t drive (legally at any rate) and so had to rely on little toy ones to take you places, and dream of the day when you get your own keys and can loop the loop and zoom about on glow in the dark racetracks like your parents obviously do. What else are cars for?
But this was soon not enough for children! They wanted more - cars with robots inside them, cars with sticky patches that let them drive over windows, cars that lit up when you stepped on them. But then the suited execs came up with an idea to rule over all others - cars that snapped in half!
Here is my entire collection of… Connectables. …more
The Worst Story… EVER!
As a few people here might be aware, I used to be in charge of the Birmingham Uni Sci-Fi Society (although I use the word ‘in charge’ in its loosest concept here). The society aimed to publish a magazine every year, although it never managed to produce anything in all my years at Universitys. After a desperate plea for material, my drunken perverted Welsh friend Chris stepped up to the challenge and pint in one hand, penned the below. I’m putting it online with his permission, since he’s a scary, scary man. Just look at him…
This work will scar you for life. If you are offended by anything ever, please go to a less disturbing site. About bestiality or whatever …more
The Name’s Turtlewind, Mr Turtlewind…
Dear Mr James Bond
First let me say how much I admire your dedication to the secret services and the war on terror in your recent documentary Goldeneye. Your tireless devotion to eradicating terrorists by, er, blowing up trains and hijacking aircraft is an example to us all. …more