Archive for October, 2008

An Ode to Carnivac

I set out to write an article about the Pretender Beasts. There was a great chance that it would have turned into me wittering about Carnivac for 20,000 words. Then I woke up and read the old TF UK comics with Carnivac in. That chance then rose. Then I started fiddling with the Carnivac I recently got off ebay. That chance then broke the probability of ‘1′ and started rising… somehow.

So yeah. Carnivac

There is a good chance you remember the Pretenders. They were amongst the last lines of ‘gimmicky’ Transformers that were about when the line finally died, from 1988-1989. The idea was simple – you’d have your transforming robot still, but they would also have a suit of armour › Continue reading

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Friday, October 31st, 2008 Toys 2 Comments

Gobots Collision Course Comet!

I was bemoaning my existence on the internet this morning, when my good friend Fulcrum (that’s his REAL NAME, honest. He just had really cruel parents) decided to change this. And make my life much, much worse with the ‘gift’ of a Gobots NOVEL. Or junior book, whatever.

Reading it affected me in many ways. My eyes welled up. With blood. I began to cry. For humanity. So as a lovely gesture, I will let you see the beauty that is…

Collision Course Comet! › Continue reading

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Thursday, October 30th, 2008 Media No Comments

Adventure On The Island

Recently in the attic, I discovered a big box of my Primary School stuff. My school was great, if only for the fact that they forced you to write stories rather than do silly things like “maths” or even “lessons.” The best find though, was this, my first ever book! Reprinted here, in its entirely, it tells the epic struggle of man against giant fish monsters, in its original format. No words or spellings have been changed. Hence the lousy, nay insane punctuation…

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Wednesday, October 29th, 2008 Tall Tales 1 Comment

Zombie Hunting For Beginners

There’s nothing more annoying than waking up one morning to find a zombie standing over your bed, murmuring something about “brains…” or other equally uninteresting subjects. Of course, any sensible person has a vial of holy water by their bedside for just this eventuality, but it’s such a nuisance cleaning up the bits of dead skin from all over your room.

Obviously this isn’t the most common of instances – I can count the number of times it’s happened to me on the fingers of my remaining hand › Continue reading

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Tuesday, October 28th, 2008 Turtlewind No Comments

Songs About Drugs

Being a University English Student, I felt that I should put my mastery of the English Language to the test, and so hacked out this masterwork. I rule you.

The tour bus screamed over the deserted moor, as tour buses are wont to do. Of course, it also made what is technically known in the business as ‘drivey sounds’, but that doesn’t sound dramatic at all. And in a gritty and dramatic story such as this, such frivolities are allowed. But the authorial voice isn’t, sadly. Pretend that didn’t happen. › Continue reading

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Monday, October 27th, 2008 Tall Tales 5 Comments

Superman vs The Evil Hitler Twins!

Some things are painful. Having a tooth extracted, being beaten by a steel bar, or introducing your genitals to a cheesegrater. But even Mr Cheesegrater is preferable to the abortion of a comic I am about to show you. The year is 1995, and someone at DC comics gets really drugged up and decides to write a very very odd story about an old Superman in a post-apocalyptic world fighting evil Hitler twins with gigantic guns. Which would be fine if the thing wasn’t so po-faced and serious.

So strap yourself in for this epic masterwork. It is the far future, › Continue reading

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Monday, October 27th, 2008 Media 7 Comments

Dating Advice

Being quite the Caligula with the ladies, I feel it prudent to offer my own dating advice for those members not blessed with my own skills in wooing the opposite sex. So below is my guide, furnished from literally years of experience and lawsuits. › Continue reading

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Sunday, October 26th, 2008 Turtlewind No Comments

Star Trek Turtles!

Some days, articles will just write themselves. By far the most popular thing on my site at the moment is the ‘Batman’s Greatest Boner’ article, where I just got some scans, clipped out the funny bits, then put them up with a line of text per picture.

Of course, sometimes just having the pictures in front of me will make me cry and cry and cry for humanity

The year was 1994. Playmates, who had been churning out their ridiculous Star Trek range, was also producing Teenage Mutant Hero Turtle toys (yes, it was ‘Hero’ for the UK, not ‘Ninja’, because ninjas were too scary, apparently). From what I can gather, someone got very very drunk and woke up in the morning with a “oh god, what did I do”… and the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtle Star Trek figures were made.

Of course, the Turtle line was always very odd. Given that they only had four main characters to work from, they exhausted most possibilities within the first year or so. Then we got mutating turtles, turtles that span, turtles dressed as super-heros, and turtles with the action feature that their heads could pop into their shells (no, really)

It is no surprise then that eventually this scraping of the barrel combined two franchises with this hideous abomination that no-one ever wanted…

…actually, saying that, I lie slightly. These toys go for stupid amounts, and so I am proud to say that these photos are not mine. Even I have limits. These beauties can go for around £20 – £40 each. Which is utterly ridiculous and furthers my belief that mankind is beyond saving. But anyway, onto the main feature. I have taken blurbs from which is an ace site

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Sunday, October 26th, 2008 Toys 1 Comment

Armada – The REAL Story

Here we go, the minicomic that started a horrific slide of internet memes, got into the margins of comics, conventions and even Hasbro itself. I even got a wiki page out of it! (check that out here - JaAm.) Fanart, kitbashes, crikey. What did I do?

Bizarrely, the actual comic itself isn’t that good. I think it just tapped into some sort of collective fear about how horrifically awful this new Transformer series looked. Thank goodness we were wrong about that, eh?


Anyway, I present to you the original edited Armada minicomic back in its proper home. Often copied, never bettered!

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Sunday, October 26th, 2008 Tall Tales 23 Comments

…And Here’s One I Made Earlier

Amongst the pantheon of junk at my house, there is a supply of my old school stuff. Of course, I don’t need it any more, but have kept it, in case I regress backwards in time, and have to go through school again. Well, it’s possible. Anyway, for some inexplicable reason we were encouraged to make items, using our ’skills.’ However, trying to get a class of 14-year-olds to actually show any such skills was a lost cause. And so I present some of the things that I made, back when I was young and innocent. Remember, I was proud of these…

1 – The Castle

Look good fellow – what could this be? Is it… Camelot? No – aha, see how I tricked you with my insanely realistic model in a natural setting? Am I not clever? › Continue reading

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Sunday, October 26th, 2008 Random 1 Comment