Archive for November, 2008

Spectrum Is Green

Recently I found on the Internet a Spectrum emulation program (hence the lack of updates. So… fun…) If the word Spectrum simply reminds you of a rainbow, or a dodgy puppet organisation devoted to defeating torches, then this isn’t the article for you. But if it takes you back to those day-glo, halcyon days of hi-tech computers being those with 8k of RAM and Kempston joysticks, then hang around.

For the novices, let me explain. The ZX Spectrum was, in the eighties, the pinnacle of technology. However, in the eighties, pinnacle meant a whole 2 colours and a several hour waiting time to load a game. Well, not quite, but that’s what it seemed like. Instead of foolish devices like “disks,” the Spectrum used the pure medium of tapes. Yes, that’s right, games were encoded on normal everyday tapes, thus making game piracy easy as hell (you just copied the tape. Woo). As a kid, the Spectrum was the greatest thing known to man › Continue reading

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Sunday, November 30th, 2008 Computers 1 Comment

The Secret Door

In a lame attempt at getting out of putting any effort whatsoever in today’s article, I just scanned in my second epic tale from primary school, a sequel to “Adventure On The Island.” Bet you were looking forward to this, eh?

There are a number of points to be made. Firstly, this was the first tale to be written on computer (the school’s hi-tech Acorn, with it’s 5 inch floppies) and… well, it’s just interesting, dammit. Secondly, whilst again I have put the text down here as I originally wrote it, I have taken the liberty of finally correcting a mistake made by the teacher, after I forced her to type it up, namely replacing the word “rocket” with “rock” in chapter 4, thus making the story make sense again. You will not believe how pissed off I was at the time. › Continue reading

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Wednesday, November 26th, 2008 Tall Tales 1 Comment

The Ballad of Ibuprofen

There was once a young Turtle (with no fin)
Ever’one said he was loafin’
His posts were not grand -
On mud pies and sand
So here I’ve written one on Ibruprofen › Continue reading

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Tuesday, November 25th, 2008 Turtlewind 6 Comments

Maple Story! CC PLOX!

Sometimes I think Dante got his circles of hell wrong. He postulated that the further you go, the more horrendous the punishment, from limbo down to storms to a city of devils to boiling oil and finally in the ninth circle, the fate of being frozen alive forever, guarded by Lucifer himself. Recently however I have discovered a further circle, even deeper with an even more diabolical punishment. Sinners are chained forever to their chairs, eyes glazed over at their computer screen repeatedly tapping the enter key as they attempt to level up their dwarf, trusty bottle by their side (because going to the toilet wastes precious leveling time)

Yes, I am talking about the world of MMPORGS

For a time, my productivity had delved to an even lower level than usual (no mean feat) with my discovery of the wonderful world of online gaming. No more was I a lonely nerd sitting at my desk – I could play with other lonely nerds online and thus climb the nerd hierarchy! › Continue reading

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Sunday, November 23rd, 2008 Computers 3 Comments

Monster In My Pocket

In 1990, Matchbox hit upon a great idea. Kids liked pretty colours, kids liked plastic, kids liked monsters and kids liked spending money.

So surely kids would like spending money on very small colourful plastic monsters?

And they did! I vividly remember seeing my first Monster in my Pocket when my friend Daniel brought home a four-pack of them after school. Soon I was buying the 12 packs, and then he was on the 24 packs. It was a race to collect all 48 of the little buggers, and now, 15 years later, well…

Yes, okay. I ended up collecting all of series 1-4. Here, I shall talk about series 1 and 2, as those are the ones people always remember, and the best. › Continue reading

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Friday, November 21st, 2008 Toys 14 Comments

Little Matty Boy’s Comics – CRUMBLE!

Presented here are my comic strips entitled CRUMBLE! that I made when I was around 9-10. Oh dear. Yes. I thought these were GOOD back then! Just click on the images to make them appear big in new windows. Enjoy… or not! › Continue reading

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Wednesday, November 19th, 2008 Tall Tales No Comments

Morning Sickness

Many have been the times where I have awoken feeling sick, retching over my pillow then going back to sleep on it. Feeling dizzy then crashing back down upon my piles of lager cans. Hopping about on one foot until I inadvertently stagger into the remains of last night’s fun, before stuffing it in a bin liner and burying it out in the garden deep so the neighbour’s dog can’t find it. Yes, I’m talking about morning sickness. › Continue reading

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Tuesday, November 18th, 2008 Turtlewind 1 Comment

Icewind Dale – The Ultimate Walkthrough!

Currently, via a CD ROM kindly leant to me by a friend without his knowledge, I have been hacking my way through Icewind Dale, a game like Baldur’s Gate, only colder. That’s all you need to know. Well, that and the fact that you must make up a team of six characters and watch as they die horribly… I mean beat up Goblins and suchlike. Yeah. But it’s a hard game. Very hard. So in order to help all those new at this game, and not as skilled as me, I have decided to create a walkthrough. Huzzah!

First, you will need to create your own set of six characters. Since I have already completed this game, I shall use the characters I already had. This will, however, result in the fact that mine will be insanely powerful, whilst yours will be as weak as a newborn kitten. But that just means you’re not trying hard enough. Did Henry the Eighth give up when his craft, Apollo 13, nearly crashed on Mars? No, I think not. Now for a run-down of my characters:


1 – Jerry Springer

Every cut-and-thrust party needs an embittered fighter, a man whose entire life has been spent in conquest of one form or another, for whom war is the only life they’ve ever known. More importantly however is the fact that every cut-and-thrust party needs a third-rate chatshow host. I decided to choose Jerry Springer, since I reasoned that his sharp wit would be able to cut through any goblin horde. I was wrong though › Continue reading

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Sunday, November 16th, 2008 Computers 1 Comment

King Of Knock-Offs – Landcross

I’m not a big fan of going shopping on the weekends. There’s the crush of people all clawing and shoving at each other, there are the legions of welfare mums with five prams each, and little old ladies doddering about everywhere in front of you. Sadly my work shoes exploded on me so I was forced to run the gauntlet of Birmingham City Centre to find replacements.

My shopping trip brought me to Poundland (no, I wasn’t going to buy shoes there, god). Poundland is a cheap UK shop where everything costs a pound, surprisingly enough. It is usually full of the lowest of the low, the chaviest of the chavs and, well, me.

Looking at their toy aisle for exciting knockoffs to write about, I was saddened to see that their ‘Armada Optimus Prime Squad’ line of toys was no longer in stock. What they did have however, was a set of gigantic Multiforce knockoffs! Wresting the chewed cards out of the hands of screaming children, I took my prizes and ran for the exit!

Multiforce was a line of Transformers released in Japan as part of the Victory line in 1989. Together they formed the gestalt Landcross. Now, Multiforce were small. Very small. So small in fact that they were pretty much Micromasters and indeed were sold as such in the reissue line › Continue reading

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Saturday, November 15th, 2008 Toys 11 Comments

Extendar – Tower of Lameness

He-Man was always a cult thing with its weird and wonderful characters, from the guy who had the head of an elephant to King Hiss, the evil king of all snakes. Who looked like Sam Neill with a giant head. There were many others that were forgotten however, such as Clamp Champ, the man whose power was… he held a weapon! And Ninjor, the fiendish… ninja. It’s like they weren’t trying anymore. And that’s the epic background here.

Now, one of these later toys was Extendar. Someone I’d forgotten totally about until reminded by someone on the internet how much he sucks. Recently though I had all my old He-Man toys down from the attic (you’ll find out why eventually) and my dad came in (since I’m home from University). He immediately walked to the box, picked out Extendar, said “cool, Extendar”, and started to play with him. This was strange for two reasons – firstly my dad generally snarls at anything I have, even my crappy display of Transformers that I bravely put up on my shelf. And more importantly, I never realised that Extendar was such a cult figure that his name would still be remembered to this day by someone [EDIT] years old. It’s truly a mystery. But who is Extendar, and what makes him tick?

› Continue reading

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Friday, November 14th, 2008 Toys 1 Comment