Archive for November, 2008
The ULTIMATE Battle
It is the year 2005. The heroic Autobots, poorly led by Alpha Trion, have been utterly and totally defeated by the Decepticons in a surprise attack. Surprise meaning the Decepticons walked up to the Autobots and shot them. Repeatedly. With guns, no less.
Stigmata Made Easy
One day, I was idly pruning my nettles which reside outside my house in an attempt to kill children, when I noticed a peculiar occurrence – the palms of my hands were bleeding, and it wasn’t because I’d lost a game of stabby-stabby with my mum. No, it was a stigmata, ie religious bleeding.
At first, I thought one of the little punks from the Primary School had taken pot-shots at me again, › Continue reading
Collectible Connectables
Cars are popular with kids. At that age, you couldn’t drive (legally at any rate) and so had to rely on little toy ones to take you places, and dream of the day when you get your own keys and can loop the loop and zoom about on glow in the dark racetracks like your parents obviously do. What else are cars for?
But this was soon not enough for children! They wanted more – cars with robots inside them, cars with sticky patches that let them drive over windows, cars that lit up when you stepped on them. But then the suited execs came up with an idea to rule over all others – cars that snapped in half!
Here is my entire collection of… Connectables. › Continue reading
The Worst Story… EVER!
As a few people here might be aware, I used to be in charge of the Birmingham Uni Sci-Fi Society (although I use the word ‘in charge’ in its loosest concept here). The society aimed to publish a magazine every year, although it never managed to produce anything in all my years at Universitys. After a desperate plea for material, my drunken perverted Welsh friend Chris stepped up to the challenge and pint in one hand, penned the below. I’m putting it online with his permission, since he’s a scary, scary man. Just look at him…
This work will scar you for life. If you are offended by anything ever, please go to a less disturbing site. About bestiality or whatever › Continue reading
The Name’s Turtlewind, Mr Turtlewind…
Dear Mr James Bond
First let me say how much I admire your dedication to the secret services and the war on terror in your recent documentary Goldeneye. Your tireless devotion to eradicating terrorists by, er, blowing up trains and hijacking aircraft is an example to us all. › Continue reading
‘Amazing’ Costumes
Being such a social moth, I am often invited to parties. Putting on my thick clothes, I flutter towards any lit window and crash through, mingling with my good friends as they point and scream in happiness.
Of course most people like to dress up, and since I am fantastic, I must always wear the best stuff. Perhaps you want to copy me and be awesome? Below are a selection of some of the various costumes I have worn to my scummy parties. Apologies for the amount of photos of myself.
Matt Trakker
Guttingly this is the only photo that remains of this costume. › Continue reading
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