Archive for December, 2008

MASK – The Secret Origin

Everyone has heard of MASK, who fought the fiendish forces of VENOM with only plastic headgear to help them… but how did it really begin? After Matt Trakker’s amazing inventions were stolen by his crooked boss, Miles Mayhem? No, of course not – who would be stupid enough to work for someone with the surname “Mayhem”? The real, unedited, sordid tale, is told in it’s entirety below. You have been warned.


Early one morning, Matt comes across his son, Scott, on his way to school. › Continue reading

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Wednesday, December 31st, 2008 Tall Tales 1 Comment

Tarte a la Boue

The Turtle is a bit of a whizz in the kitchen, you know. I’ve always found food preparation and presentation child’s play. And yet, although I spend many jolly hours putting the finishing touches to Barry’s evening banquets of poached salmon and quail eggs, my own diet remains the kind that reflects my contemplative and mysterious lifestyle. › Continue reading

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Tuesday, December 30th, 2008 Turtlewind 1 Comment

10 Cool Things About Zelda: Link’s Awakening

Mention the Gameboy version of Zelda to a random person in the street, and they’d probably think you were some complete nutter and stare at you, walking away in disgust. However, mention it to some geeky-looking people, and their eyes will glaze over, and weird electronic noises will burble forth from their mouths. This is your cue to run, since they’re probably possessed by satan or something.

Nevertheless, the Gameboy Zelda (Link’s Awakening, not the new ones) is a damn fine game. Damn fine, with infinite swearwords tacked onto the end. While most Gameboy games had boring covers, this one was gold, thus indicating it’s coolness. Despite having owned (well, my sister did) the game for years on end, I never completed it, actually getting as far as level 8 before throwing it into a corner and letting the batteries decay and rot. Since my move to University though, I have found myself with a suspiciously large amount of free time – there was only one thing for it – to download a Gameboy emulator… and ZELDA!

Unfortunately the only emulator I could find was French, luckily however I am fluent in that language, so after three hours of fruitless struggling with it, finally got it working. And what a glorious, yet sad and pathetic experience it was, as I sat in the corner of my room, being simply stared at by all sane people. But I proved them wrong – I completed it! Aha! Unfortunately I wasn’t able to find the extra dungeon (this being the colour DX version) which I would be annoyed about had I actually paid any money for it › Continue reading

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Sunday, December 28th, 2008 Computers 3 Comments

The Ten Worst He-Man Toys

Whilst idly surfing on the internet one day, I discovered that Mattel were going to remake their He-Man line again! This time in a ‘we promise it won’t fail miserably way’. So they’re stocking them online ONLY  hidden behind a secret link on their website accessable only between 2-3am.

One of the first people I told, good old Keith, was instantly suspicious of this change, hoping that it would be exactly the same as his cherished childhood memories:

“Is he still gay?”

Not knowing the full details, I was not qualified to reply to this, although the figure of He-Man doesn’t look as… geeky as the “New Adventures” He-Man (and to my shame, I had that figure) and so I can safely conclude that yes, the new He-Man is gay. Rejoice!

In celebration of this fact I finally produced a “10 Worst He-Man figures” article. Why celebrate He-Man’s greatness when I can criticise it, eh? I’m ignoring the “New Adventures” line, since if I didn’t, this whole article would be about it. And then I’d go insane.


1 – Whiplash


Oooh, first up is that famous villain, Whiplash › Continue reading


Friday, December 26th, 2008 Toys 15 Comments

Top Ten Graphic Novels (Comics!)

When I was a small little Matt, I was always a big comic reader. But then I grew out of it, prefering more adult pursuits such as collecting small plastic toys. However recently my friends and the dreaded Intarweb got me back into reading comics, though in graphic novel form rather than individual papery comics that fall to bits easily. As a general rule, graphic novels are a run of half a dozen or so comics that collect a few storylines by the same author, so you get more bang for your buck and also sustained quality (in that if it is in graphic novel format, it must have been good, there is no month delay every 24 pages and you don’t run the risk of some half crazed hack randomly wandering in to your book with no warning and ruining it all)

So here are my top ten graphic novel recommendations, for those of you wanting to dip your feet in and read a few. They’re generally not expensive, as an average price can range from £5-£10 which isn’t half bad!

10. Marvels

We’ll start off with an obvious one. Marvels is a miniseries painted by top artist Alex Ross which basically tells the story of the Marvel universe › Continue reading

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Thursday, December 25th, 2008 Media 4 Comments

Hardcore Roleplay 2

Don’t run! The below is a rather stupidly entertaining log from the Transformers 2k5 online roleplay game. Yes, ha-ha, silly Matt. (If you want to join up, get a decent telnet client such as Mushclient and connect to port: 5555

I’m Blueshift, by the way. And I rule.

(A CRAZEE drawing by Fulcrum)

› Continue reading

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Wednesday, December 24th, 2008 Tall Tales No Comments

I Want Neat Stuff

It’s not easy being an international Turtle of Mystery, you have to forsake most material goods if your bag is Scorpion Whispering. Because scorpion shit stains like hell. As Barry and I lie curled together on my wooden cot, however, straw mattress opening sores in my neck, I cry bitter tears of remorse for my empty bachelor hut. Here is some stuff I want.

10) A gun. A really big gun. People tell me that this is something phallic-related, but I don’t care as I have a huge wang. So there. I want a great big shiny gun that I can scare children with as they queue for the school bus. › Continue reading

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Tuesday, December 23rd, 2008 Turtlewind No Comments

Matt vs Coke

I like to consider myself a hardcore coke addict. Not for me the tangy, acrid and opaque allure of the water from the taps. No, it is burning death to my insides all the way. During periods of stress, I tend to consume so much of it that I get diabetes from all the sugar. Luckily, I then consume even more, so like a second smash on the head, the incurable illness is cured!

For the uneducated masses, I shall give a lesson in the history of coke. But since no uneducated masses are reading this, I won’t. This is lucky as I haven’t a clue, apart from the fact that if you cover a corpse in coke and leave it for four days, there won’t be a trace left. And I only know that from personal experience…

It was on Saturday then, that I found myself wandering up to Birmingham City Centre for the sole reason of picking up some anime for my ‘friend’, Kevin. Kevin had arranged to meet a scary bloke, but instead decided that he needed to go to Bristol for no reason. So I had to make an hour round trek, because I’m a lovely, selfless guy (and so I could pick up some Transformer comics). On my way, I passed Tescos, and popped in since I needed some food for the weekend, having an empty cupboard. Working on the principle that Sherbet Lemons and Pretzels did indeed constitute a healthy meal to last 48 hours, my basket was soon full. Until I came across the coke section, with myriad different cokes. I was in heaven, and soon my hands were twisted and scarred from lugging around shopping bags full of different cans of coke.

So then I decided to totally destroy any chance I had remaining of being healthy, by drinking them all in one go and reviewing them

From the picture above was my battle plan. Sherbet Lemons and pretzels to keep me wanting more coke. Coke, Diet Coke, Caffeine-free coke › Continue reading

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Monday, December 22nd, 2008 Random 5 Comments

Trapdoor – Spectrum Style!

Somewhere in the dark and nasty regions, where nobody goes, stands an ancient castle. Deep within this dank and uninviting place lives Berk.


Overworked servant of the Thing upstairs.


But that’s nothing compared to the horrors that lurk beneath the trapdoor. For there is always something down there, in the dark, waiting to come out…

#Don’t you open that trapdoor#
#You’re a fool if you dare#
#Stay away from that trapdoor#
#Cos there’s something down there#
› Continue reading

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Sunday, December 21st, 2008 Computers 2 Comments

In Praise Of Polar Claw

My shelf is a strange place, with many different objects and creatures (such as my cat) trying to climb upon it to be ridiculed by everyone, instead of just me. One such recent addition to this shelf of mockery is none other than a Beast Wars Transformer – Polar Claw! But what has Polar Claw, a big fat polar bear, actually done to deserve such an honour? Lets take a look at him…

Here we can see Polar Claw in all his manly glory. And when I say manly, I really mean “like some fat guy wearing tights” › Continue reading

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Friday, December 19th, 2008 Toys 4 Comments