Archive for December, 2008
The He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special
Since the festive season is spluttering into view, it’s time for that annual torture-fest… the Christmas Special! Now, most TV shows have, in their time, had these strange beasts, designed to numb the senses and capture that all-too important audience of comatose, bloated families.
In the weird, twisted world of the Christmas Special, there is only one rule – the characters must realise THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS. The only problem with this is that the sugar overload will have you vomiting for months to come; and let’s not forget those pioneering television stations who feel obliged to repeat their Christmas Specials in July.
Of course, there is no Christmas Special quite so messed up as The He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special.
Ah, the name says it all, doesn’t it, eliminating any doubt – yes, He-Man and She-Ra – working together. What a… treat? In an attempt to pad out this episode to around 45 minutes (yes, 45 minutes… you heard) every trick in the book is pulled out faster than you can say “my brain – noooooo.”
At the forefront of this is the pre-credits sequence! Yes, we open the story with every single character from He-Man and She-Ra that you can think of seemingly vandalising the throne-room on Eternia by painting ghastly purple and pink stars everywhere › Continue reading
Journey To The Bottom Of The Earth
Venturing into my attic today for what might be the last time in months, I found a box of all my old primary school junk. And yes, you know that that means, lucky lucky lucky… This story was different, however – I’d explain it, but I think myself as a kid in the introduction to this epic novel will suffice…
Oh, and I couldn’t shut the attic door, so it’s going to randomly swing down and decapitate someone. Peachy.
Journey To The Bottom Of The Earth
By Matthew Marshall
Punish Me
Capital punishment, ah, there’s a knotty topic. Some might say it’s an instant recipe for an electrifying debate, guaranteed to inject some life into the dullest dinner parties.
Yes, there are some who say capital punishment is wrong, but we have lived under it for far longer than we realise. Capital punishment has supposedly been abolished in the UK, yet my good buddy Blueshift has been punishing capitals mercilessly as long as I have known him. In the middle of words, at the end of words, anything to break their tyrannical monopoly on sentence starts and proper nouns. NauGHty cApItAls, you deserve a hessian necktie, and I’m more than happy to yank on my sturdy oak lever. › Continue reading
Darrow-A-Day
Christmas is fast approaching, and in this time of snow, wind, rain and religious people attacking you on the street with their twisted messages of ‘peace’ and ‘goodwill’, it is important to remember the true meaning of Christmas, a celebration of our saviour.
I was idly making fun of the homeless and single mothers online this morning to my pal Mark when he reminded me that soon it was the celebration of our saviour on Earth, Paul Darrow
Paul Darrow, aka Avon from Blake’s 7 is perhaps the closest representation of God on Earth we shall ever see. I mean, did Jesus dress up in studded black vinyl and fight the fiendish Federation, whilst beating up women? I don’t think so!
Despite not being gay, I decided to celebrate Avon!
Avon is perhaps the best hero ever! Prancing about in crazy outfits, he won the hearts of the British public, who even sent money to the BBC to buy him acting lessons. What other good guy slaps about women and kills the title character of the show (the aforementioned Blake)? Silly Avon, ruffle his hair, the scamp.
There are three logical routes with which I could take this article. The first would be to review an episode of Blake’s 7. But I don’t want my eyes to start spontaneously bleeding again. The second would be to write for several thousand words about how great Paul Darrow is, and how he gives orphans presents before he kills them. But as I said, I’m not gay. The final option is to make a Paul Darrow Calendar, for you all to print out and enjoy! With QUOTES! (And yes, I know technically it’s ‘Darrow-A-Month’. Shut up, it’s a good title)
So run up to your office printer and reserve your spot, I’m sure everyone will be eagerly printing this all off to hang proudly on their walls!
Here we have Avon taking time out from fighting the evil Federation to make a delightful snowman, the little rapscallion!
The ORIGINAL Odd Couple
The house in 12 Sim Road was for sale… but who were the mystery buyers? Two different owners, who had no idea of who the other was who purchased it, to live as roommates… they were Optimus Prime and Megatron! Oh, the HILARITY!
Megatron decided to put his differences aside with Prime for once. After all, a war is a bit impossible to pursue when you’re shacked up with the leader of your enemies. And anyway, he had Shockwave to sort everything out at work. Sadly Prime’s PA was Ultra Magnus, Shockwave’s opposite in only the fact that Shockwave is efficient and good at his job, and Magnus… well…
Anyhow, the twin pressures of having a delusional, pessimisic, suicidal assistant pursue the war; and living with Megatron, tyrannical leader of the Evil Decepticons caused Prime to go slightly mad.
Prime was forever setting fire to things in the kitchen at the dead of night, waking Megatron up in his pyjamas. If this wasn’t bad enough, Prime’s womanising came to the fore › Continue reading
Superion Is Super!
When He-Man returned, all the He-Man fans were busy mocking those who collected Transformers (oh yeah, the inter-fandom network can be quite cutthroat), for He-Man had returned exactly as it used to be. And perhaps that was the problem, as kids nowadays are more sophisticated than just wanting an elastic band in the waist of their toys.
Hasbro with Transformers though, brought out products that were, too the horror of collectors, ‘kiddified toys’ (well IMAGINE!). But sprinkled liberally throughout there were homages to the classic series, but in new, updated forms. Perhaps the best of these was Superion.
When I was small, I collected Transformers. Every other week I would go down to ASDA with my mum shopping and spend my pocket money on them, I collected all the Aerialbots that way. As you can imagine they were planes, and combined to form the mighty robot Superion. He’s still at home, but below are some pictures of him, and please remember that when I was small these guys were impressive, though even I realised they were a little samey.
Silverbolt was the big guy. He had an hilariously tiny head though and looked like an old man › Continue reading
The Second Secret Of Doctor Who
In 1963 the BBC decided that they needed to create a programme that would last an eternity and imbue itself in the heart and soul of a nation, create a show that would run and run and run, be popularist yet intelligent. But instead, they created Doctor Who.
But Doctor Who was not always to be a series about a kindly old man who kidnaps teachers and beats up aliens, oh no › Continue reading
Knocked Off
In my latest odyssey, I take a look at the dark murky world of knockoffs, such as bright orange movie ratchet, and brown Leobreaker
And then I test their plastic tolerance
The He-Man Annual 1989
As a kid, one of the highlights of the Christmas season were the annuals based upon every… thing in sight, from Dino Riders to Ghostbusters to Transformers. It was an art-form, now lost to time apart from the few Action Man Annuals that seem to crop up in bargain bins everywhere… not that I look or anything. But back in the day (the ‘day’ being the 80’s rather than last Tuesday) there were two main annual companies – Marvel and World. Marvel created quality items based upon licenses such as Thundercats and Transformers, utilizing such talent as Simon Furman, Andy Wildman and Geoff Senior. World, on the other hand, employed their mums to draw and write their products, and their 3-year-old daughters to print them off.
Today, I will look at the He-Man 1989 annual, that great work of the English language, worthy of Mr Shakespeare himself. And by Mr Shakespeare, I mean the Mr Shakespeare who cleans my gutters, not the writer-dude-guy (this is from an English Undergraduate). My critical eye has thusly been cast over this tome, and below are the ten highlights of this… thing. But first, a look at the cover:
Yes, He-Man weakly waving his sword in front of a one-armed Skeletor as King Hiss runs away and a very, very large Hordak tries to leap off Snake Mountain in a bid for attention › Continue reading
Hardcore Roleplay
Today, I’m going to treat you to…something different. Some of my real-life (gasp!) friends regularly roleplay on MSN in a hardcore manner. These dedicated gamers were in trouble tonight though, since their regular storyteller got ‘a life’. It was up to me to fill in and help these poor souls gain a precious few seconds entertainment in their barren, empty lives. And yes, I know they’re reading this. › Continue reading
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