Archive for January, 2009

The Throttlebot Extravaganza

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Saturday, January 31st, 2009 Videos 1 Comment

Hey – That’s Not A Transformer…

As the title indicates, this article is a chance to see items of mine that aren’t Transformers. Actually, that’s a little bit misleading, since most things aren’t Transformers. I could easily fill this page up with pictures of sticks and frogs and say “That’s not a Transformer.” But that would be stupid.

Despite the lure of doing something as stupid as that, I decided to do something sensible. And so I abused my new digital camera that I borrowed for the weekend, running down it’s batteries and reducing it to a pile of smouldering plastic. Still, it was worth it.

Searching about in my attic (Which was insanely hot by the way) I found a lot of transforming things that were not Transformers, be they fakes or just “new original concepts, not at all jumping on the bandwagon.” A lot of these guys were just interesting, so I thought it’d be good to display them. Plus I’ve not seen them anywhere else on the net.

 

Case 1 – Lion Man

 

 The only thing I know about this toy is that it came from a supermarket, probably ASDA, after a bout of moaning › Continue reading

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Friday, January 30th, 2009 Toys 6 Comments

Usborne Puzzle Adventures

In the mid 1980s, books had become boring. All the kids wanted were either robots that turned into cars, computer games that CORRUPTED (such as Trapdoor) and drugs. The booksellers were desperate – how could they combine robots, corruption and drugs?

Well, they couldn’t, so Usborne instead ripped off those Fighting Fantasy books and created…

USBORNE PUZZLE ADVENTURES!

These things were the greatest – 44 pages of glory in which little kids had adventures where you had to help them! On every page was a puzzle, which you had to solve before you could turn the page. Failure to do so would render the story unreadable and useless › Continue reading

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Thursday, January 29th, 2009 Media 4 Comments

Duel

The Transformers: Mosaic project is a fan-based project to get artists and writers working together to create fancomics. 

 Below is my piece, entitled ‘Duel’ featuring Slugslinger! Written, drawn and coloured by… me! I can write, but I never said I could draw (and this proves it!), however most fan artists are more interested in drawing the more classic characters, whilst I’m more interested in writing about the obscure guys. Hey, everyone was obscure once, you’ve got to give them a chance!

Click the image for the big version!

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Wednesday, January 28th, 2009 Tall Tales 3 Comments

Diamonds Smell Of Wee. Discuss

As many of my readers and creditors will happily testify, the mysterious Mr Turtlewind is a most enthusiastic young natural philosopher. Having promised a nice man in a long wig that I would never again seek to determine the tensile strength of grey cats, however, these last three or four months have seen me take a bit of a sabbatical from my scientific trail-blazing.

Imagine my delight, then, when I happened to surf back on to my old turf of review site Ciao to be greeted with the perfect hypothesis for an eager scamp to test – and only the barest minimum of cruelty to animals required. › Continue reading

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Tuesday, January 27th, 2009 Turtlewind No Comments

You’ve Played The Game…

…Now watch the film? For ages Hollywood has turned it’s nose up at such foolish concepts as “original screenplays” and instead has been systematically raiding everywhere for ideas. I dare you to name a recent major film that isn’t a sequel or ripped off of – sorry, a homage to – an old TV series or comic book. Or one that doesn’t suck (and no, the Matrix doesn’t count). But Hollywood were faced with a dilemma – they had run out of things to steal. Should they go down the road of Police Adacemy, and create many hilarious films.. well, films anyway. Or just find more weird and obscure shows, such as a film version of Knightmare, or Bagpuss – The Movie.

No, today is the day of computer games. Remember watching your friends play their computer games and sharing in the excitement as you leaned over their shoulder? Well now you can get the same effect at the cinema, as film producers have hired 12 year old kids to play games with a film camera pointed at them. Okay, that’s a lie, it just sounds more exciting than adapting a game.

But why would anyone want to see the film of a game? For the amazing plots taken faithfully from such entertainment (collect all the coins. Woo)? Or just as a filthy, corrupt trick? Today I shall be looking at ten different films based on computer games, and deciding whether they are any good or not.

 
Super Mario Brothers

Based on: Super Mario. Surprisingly. Although you kinda guessed that, no?

Super Mario Bros is a film that is mocked by many, citing the… well I’m not sure really, since I am actually a fan of this film – I have it on video, and for me, buying something that doesn’t have either time travellers or giant robots in is a big step › Continue reading

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Monday, January 26th, 2009 Random 6 Comments

Transformer Knock-Offs – The Best Of Poundland

Like a moth to a flame, I am constantly burnt on the searing, deadly heat of Poundland. Thankfully everything there costs exactly a pound (except for the things that don’t) so I won’t be sacrificing my wallet on the altar of poverty just yet.

I am however addicted to buying hilariously awful knockoff toys. Most of them go straight in the bin after a few minutes of curious fiddling since they break so easily, but its a nice, inexpensive way to broaden your toy-collecting horizons (to include even more plastic crap).

Anyway I have no willpower, so the last time I was near a cheap shop, I wandered in there to see what I could find. Sometimes they have end-of-line quality official goods. But not this time. This time they had more awful knock-off tat!

So lets see what the latest the bargain bins of the UK can offer…

 
Getaway

As a kid, I loved Getaway. He had a cool transformation, looked sleek and unique, was a racecar, and a Powermaster. You name it, he had it. So I was rather excited to get this cheap knockoff to relive past victories.

Unfortunately Getaway is probably the worst knockoff I’ve seen › Continue reading

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Friday, January 23rd, 2009 Toys 14 Comments

Doctor Who – Timelash

Ah, Doctor Who, that finest of all vintage programmes… that show that keeps on winning award for best tv programme year after year… that establishment of British sci-fi that has seen fans of lesser shows grit their teeth and snarl.

Of course, the problem with vintages is that it’s so easy to create some cork-ridden puddle of vinegar.
For every good Who story there is its opposite – A Twin Dilemma for every Caves of Androzani; a Revenge of the Cybermen for every Genesis of the Daleks… in the Tom Baker era, there were many, many classic stories, with few duds.

The duds were saved up especially for Colin Baker.

I’m a Who fan, but just like Dr Crippen, there are some things impossible to defend.

Ladies and gentlemen… I give you…

TIMELASH

Oh dear… where to begin. Perhaps I shall start by pointing out that the title is an anagram of ‘Lame Shit’. That gives you some indication of the quality to expect › Continue reading

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Thursday, January 22nd, 2009 Media 2 Comments

Chasing The Cards

The Transformers: Mosaic project is a fan-based project to get artists and writers working together to create fancomics. It grew out of a similar but much smaller project on the forum The Allspark which I was part of. Below is my piece, entitled ‘Chasing The Cards’ which was later released as a Mosaic. I did the writing and the art, and my friend Mark did the colours. His amazing colouring saves my art because really, I can’t draw!

Personally I’d like to have rewritten it because it doesn’t really flow all that well, but it is here in its original form for the sake of posterity.

Click the image for the big version!

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Wednesday, January 21st, 2009 Tall Tales 5 Comments

I’m Not Challenged, I’m SPECIAL

Many have been the people in the streets stopping me and asking who I am, and if I would like to accompany them to the station. No sir, I don’t want to travel on British Rail thank YOU! But it makes me realise that being an International Turtle of Mystery means I am quite mysterious. So I have filled out some godawful quiz so that you may survey my majesty. And by majesty I mean my HUGE WANG.

01. What time is it?
13:44

02. Name
The Mysterious Mr Turtlewind esq.

03. Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake:
There were eleven candles, but one fell off when I jumped over the fence. I nearly had one with eight candles last week, but the little boy’s father rugby-tackled me as I tried to flee the party with my sponge-based trophy. › Continue reading

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Tuesday, January 20th, 2009 Turtlewind No Comments