Archive for January, 2009
Transform-A-Snack
“Don’t play with your food, Matty Boy”, my mum would scream as I moulded my bangers and mash into intricate scale models of World War II jet planes. Of course, my fascination with food instead of toys came to a head that dark day in Mcdonalds where a police swat team had to take me down after I modelled a working glock out of a Happy Meal bag and a few Chicken McNuggets.
Of course, spending every dinner time chomping down on MASK and Thundercats figures didn’t do much to help.
Living life in a crazy upside-down fashion is now something I have grown out of. But food company Red Mill have driven dump trucks into my malformed childhood brain and seemingly shovelled out bucket loads of gooey insane ideas › Continue reading
The Greatest Star Trek Figures!
One of the innate mysteries of the universe is not “where is Atlantis” “What is inside a black hole” or “How come all those kids spent all that money on Pokemon cards”. No, it is “Why oh why do grown men spend all their money on toys!”
I don’t know the answer to that, I buy Collectable Action Figures.
The glut of Star Trek figures is one which reached Star Wars proportions. Not happy with a figure of each principle character, the company behind the toys, Playmates, decided that every time a character on screen wore a different item of clothing, that clothing must be represented in plastic form. Tiny, misshapen plastic form. And so I give you the greatest Star Trek figures known to man!
1 – Talosian
Who is the greatest Star Trek villain? Is it Kang the Klingon? Um, Rob the Romulan? Spot the Cat? No, it is the guy with the big head from the original pilot episode The Cage › Continue reading
Who Is The Phantom Stranger?
DC has over the years had a lot of odd characters, from Deadman (he was… dead) to Detective Chimp (a detective who was a chimp, oddly enough). But by far my favourite was The Phantom Stranger. The Phantom Stranger was what it said on the box – a stranger who was a phantom. No-one, not even the writers knew exactly who he was, and perhaps that was for the best, for nothing spoils a mystery character when you know his secret.
The Phantom Stranger often popped up out of nowhere to give cryptic advice and help, as well as often descending into Hell itself to deal with the demons within. He was a regular in Alan Moore’s Swamp Thing run and also popped up in Animal Man. He always introduced himself as “simply a Stranger” in a voice that always seemed to me very Tom Bakerish. If you could get that effect on the written page.
What were his powers? Well, he had a big hat and white eyes, and sometimes could shoot electricity and um, vanish › Continue reading
I Tried, I Didn’t Like It, I Did Not Impale
I have a very serious problem with cannabis. Ever since the young apprentices at the Turtlewind Scorpion Research Academy discovered that I had mislead them as to the true provenance of the ‘nettles’ behind my greenhouse, I have been tripping along to the police station most weekday afternoons to bail out one or other of the little tykes, who can frequently be seen falling asleep over fences. I had no idea you could get so mashed by smoking bindweed. › Continue reading
Classic Skeletor Through The Ages
Skeletor is returning! Cower mortals for from the bizarre techno-fantasy world of Eternia, the comedy Lord of Darkness is packing his lunchbox to bring terror upon the world once more.
Yes, Mattel have decided to launch a new Masters of the Universe line, but one for adult collectors rather than children (and really, what business do children have near toys anyway?). They’re starting with the classics, namely He-Man, Skeletor, and uh, Beast Man and Stratos. Also you can only buy them from their online store at the moment, which honestly doesn’t seem like a winning formula, but then I’m not in the toy business.
So Skeletor is back with a look that’s so old its new. But then again he’s always been keeping up with fashion trends. Lets take a look at Skeletor through the ages and see how the King of Evil was also the King of Cool!
1982 – Original Skeletor
Now, I’ve already received criticism for slamming some of the line’s simpler figures elsewhere on my site, but hear me out. I talk not just with my own voice, but with the voice of the 5 year old little Matty Boy advising me. And whilst I loved the character of Skeletor, the original toy usually stayed in the toy box › Continue reading
Decepticon Dominion!
As I have previously waxed lyrical about, the internet is full of terrible things, such as bomb-plans, insect porn and Transformers Roleplay games. The log I will present today has been kicking about the internet for a while, but here I am nailing it to the wall as if some sort of futuristic Martin Luthor.
One of the most… infamous Transformer fans is ‘Raksha’. She whose site was mentioned on somethingawful.com for its content which included essays such as “Why the Decepticons are the good guys”; “Why Soundwave is AMAZING”; and of course, “Why it would be good if the Decepticons invaded Earth and annihilated the human scum”. But I’m not here to cast doubts as to the sanity of this individual, since that would be mean. Well, and I’d get insane threats via e-mail. › Continue reading
Chase Must Die!
There are dark, fiendish creatures which lurk in the annals of Transformer history, forever at the edge of your vision, leaping in and out of sight like little pixies, or tax return forms. They look innocent enough, sure. But once you get under their shell… [shudder]
The original 2 years or so of Transformers were taken straight from Japan. Realistic vehicle modes were built, often using quality die-cast metal. But by the time of the dreaded Throttlebots it was mostly American ingenuity creating these things. Like the above cars – look at the Landrover and it’s lying windscreen – it has no glass, just stickers of a scene. Unlike the other one. Why should the Landrover get special treatment, I don’t know. Perhaps everyone thought he was tough-ass Brawn instead of wussy Rollbar?
But today I shall focus my irrational hatred at the guy on the left – Mr so-called Chase. At first, he looks perfectly innocent – but NO. Look… closer:
PROFILE OF A MORON
It’s Chase, the Throttlebot. The guy with no legs and no arms. He’s just a body › Continue reading
I Spy I-Spy Books
I-Spy books can be confidently said to be part of the cultural history of this planet, on par with the works of Leonardo Da Vinci and the holy books of Christianity. Well, actually, no, that was a lie, just a pathetic attempt to make this subject sound remotely interesting.
Childhood was a funny time. So what if there are millions of cartoons on TV, thousands of toys to play with? Sometimes you just wanted to sit outside in the cold clutching a pen and a small book feebly, waiting hopelessly to see the “Black Spotted Filliby bird” › Continue reading
The Olde Ande Epice Talee Ofe Ae Tene-Quide Notee
By Matt Marshall, esq
1. EXT. BANK. DAY
[Two posh people, SIR CHAS and SIR DAVE are standing outside the bank, with top hats, monacles, slaves on chains behind them, the works]
SIR CHAS: What ho, my good man, Sir Dave. A fine morn
SIR DAVE: Hip hip tally buddy-buddy. I made several billion pounds this morning from my immoral and illegal activities financing drug running in Columbia
SIR CHAS: Oh splendid. Drug running? I love the races. › Continue reading
How I Nearly Became The Eleventh Doctor
You may know, dear reader, that the Mysterious and Magical Mr Turtlewind esq has been the subject of many a frenzied public debate. From being a celebrity chef with my classic Tarte a la Boue, to hosting dinner parties the talk of the shanty-town, and even the perennial “we know you did it but we can’t prove it so off you go” dance I do with the nice men in blue hats every so often. But what you may not realise is that I, not Mr Matt Smith, was originally cast in the part of the eleventh Doctor!
Growing up, the young Turtle would watch with rapt attention at the screen as Mr Tom Baker fought with all manner of monsters. ‘At last’, I thought! ‘Someone I can identify with, who like me has great problems struggling with cardboard boxes and likes to live in a wooden crate.’ But my childhood innocence was forever crushed when he jumped off some scaffolding and turned into a space bogey. I vowed that day upon my tear-stained copy of The Junior Doctor Who Guide To Scorpion Training that if ever the chance came, I would take up the mantle of the errant Time Lord myself and steer the Tardis to even more muddy planets.
So it happened that some time last summer I was busy in my daily routine of scampering down the canal path catching butterflies in my mouth, when I was passed by a barge. › Continue reading
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