Archive for March, 2009

Turtle What? Turtle If?

I have returned humans. Know me.


(1.) What is the first interesting thing that you see when you look around the room?
Barry the Scorpion! My rascally little armour-plated life partner. A little older, a little frailer, but still poking venom into the feet of passing children on Dagenham High Street like the practical joker he’s always been…

(2.) What can you hear at the moment?
The wind whistling through the rafters of Turtle Grange, banging doors and windows and shrieking through the lonely dark spaces. It almost sounds like words, whispering ‘They know. Kill them all.’

(3.) What is on your computer desk?
Not a computer, unfortunately. I am still reduced to composing reviews by yelling ‘beep!’ down a telephone wire. I’ve still got that framed autograph of Harold Pinter’s willy though.

(4.) What was the last question someone asked you?
“Are you a real doctor?” It’s amazing how often people come out with that old chestnut, I thought we lived in a society of equal opportunities these days, with more emphasis on vocational qualifications. I mean, I’ve been trying to get ladies to open their shirts so I can put my hands on their boobies for TWENTY YEARS now! Surely that makes me more qualified to do so than some stripling not two months out of medical school?

(5.) What was the last question you asked someone?
“Are you a real policeman?” You see, they don’t like a taste of their own medicine!
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Tuesday, March 31st, 2009 Uncategorized No Comments

Dear Mr Doctor Who

Dear Mr Doctor Who

I enjoy your adventures tremendously, as you battle against evil in the Universe and in Surrey. I fight evil too, and you are my role model, along with Bananaman. Most of the evil I fight consists of the boys who throw stones in my village, but I want to buy a TARDIS so I can also fight evil in Bulgaria because they are never on the news and so I think they are up to something, possibly involving stuffing puppies with depleted uranium. My evil fighting name is Turtlewind. As names go, it is not as good as yours, but it is better than Bananaman. › Continue reading

Tuesday, March 24th, 2009 Uncategorized 2 Comments

Turtle Club

It takes an average of five prank calls full of girlish giggling before a person will block your number.

I know this because Turtle knows this

The first time I saw Turtle was on Studland Beach. He thought he was on the naturist part and was racing up and down the dunes shouting about his HUGE WANG and telling women they should ‘bust out the floppies’.

After an hour of this, he abruptly dropped on to the sand and kneeled there, purring slightly. After a minute I realised he had scampered around in the outline of a huge hand with its middle finger extended, and that for some reason he was kneeling directly on the fingertip. › Continue reading

Tuesday, March 17th, 2009 Uncategorized 2 Comments

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Red Nose Day is a big charity event in the UK, and I ‘volunteered’ at work to have my head shaved for it (we had to do it a day early since the guy that wanted to do the cutting wasn’t in on Friday).

So far I’ve staggeringly raised over £200 in physical donations! If you want to add anything to the total, I’ve set up an online form here: › Continue reading

Thursday, March 12th, 2009 Uncategorized No Comments

T For Turtlewind

On a dark and stormy night in the latter days of the nineteenth century, a boat ran into trouble off the coast of North Devon.

We all know that the Lynmouth lifeboat crew dragged their craft over Countisbury Hill to launch from the calmer waters of Porlock, but who were they? What were they like? Did they run with the red deer over the rugged heath of Exmoor? Or bum goats in the Valley of the Rocks? › Continue reading

Tuesday, March 10th, 2009 Uncategorized 2 Comments

Transformers Universe Reviewed – In Poetic Form

The Universe line is pretty brill,
Each new release gives me a thrill.
Now sit back and have a great time,
As I review these figures in the medium of rhyme.



“Arise Galvatron!” The dark god Unicron cried,
Had had he seen this he may well have sighed.
A purple, fragile work of art,
Touch him and he’ll fall apart.

› Continue reading

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Thursday, March 5th, 2009 Toys 2 Comments

Transformer UK Comics – Space Pirates

I must confess that this was probably the collection I was looking least forward to reviewing, but upon re-reading it found that it contained some of the strongest stories in the UK run, the highlight of course, being ‘Salvage’. With a pair of short stories set in the present day continuing the Galvatron plot, and then the main event, Space Pirates, there are plenty of touches to keep even the most hardened cynic happy.

Salvage begins with two Mechanoids being dredged from the River Thames – namely Megatron and Centurion (how they got there is covered in the Transformers / Action Force crossover, and I have a feeling rights issues means it can’t be reprinted, sadly enough). Hilariously enough though, it is a certain Richard Branson doing the dredging. Bless him and his little smile!

Of course, Shockwave has other plans. Looking for a weapon he can use against Galvatron, he steals back Megatron himself and has a psychoprobe attempt to snap him out of his cataconic state, a task involving sending Megatron into his own nightmares, facing both Prime and Straxus. › Continue reading

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Thursday, March 5th, 2009 Media 4 Comments

Boots Lipstick no. 7

Some ruffians have accused the Turtle of not examining serious subjects! Lies! I am not only an officer and a gentleman, I am a consumate consumer, and have imparted my wisdom across many issues. There is nothing I do not know, as you will learn from my review of lipstick. Yes, LIPSTICK.

Boots No. 7 lipstick is the seventh product in the Boots lipstick range. This means that they released 6 lipsticks before that. It shows, as the lipstick is well developed, and the colour stays on for at least 23% longer than if you use Boots No. 6 lipstick.

This lipstick comes in many colours from light red to dark red, and sometimes blue, and generally goes on lips. › Continue reading

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Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009 Turtlewind No Comments

The Millennium Doom

I had a rather heated argument with my housemate the other day. Not on politics, religion or Masterchef, but about the Millennium Dome of all things. Nine years later it continues to rear its ugly head over the British consciousness. Will it ever let us go so that we can be free and skip gaily through the fields of freedom?

For those of you not familiar with this, the Millennium Dome was pretty much all the newspapers talked about from 1998 to 2000 (once Princess Diana had finished being dead). For some dumb reason (culture apparently) the government decided to build a giant dome costing 600 million pounds. Of course in this day and age of ‘yeah failing bank, have a million trillion quid’ this doesn’t seem as bad, but at the time it was unprecedented.

For the millennium then, the citizens of this fine country got a big dome. Unfortunately the government hadn’t a clue what to do with it – Peter Mandelson the minister in charge, even suggested leaving it empty. Part of me hopes it was a joke, of course the other part knows how inept governments can be. Really, to celebrate the millennium the government could have used the money to give everyone in the country a tenner and we’d have been far happier. Better that than some awful tourist attraction.

This was where the argument with my housemate comes in. He tried to tell me that it was the biggest attraction in Britain that year thus it was a success. But really, you’re always going to get people gaggling at a train wreck. At the end of the day it didn’t pull in nearly half the visitors it wanted, and ended up using 600 million of public money. On an awful tourist attraction!

And I know this, because I went there! › Continue reading


Sunday, March 1st, 2009 Random 2 Comments