Mention the Gameboy version of Zelda to a random person in the street, and they’d probably think you were some complete nutter and stare at you, walking away in disgust. However, mention it to some geeky-looking people, and their eyes will glaze over, and weird electronic noises will burble forth from their mouths. This is your cue to run, since they’re probably possessed by satan or something.
Nevertheless, the Gameboy Zelda (Link’s Awakening, not the new ones) is a damn fine game. Damn fine, with infinite swearwords tacked onto the end. While most Gameboy games had boring covers, this one was gold, thus indicating it’s coolness. Despite having owned (well, my sister did) the game for years on end, I never completed it, actually getting as far as level 8 before throwing it into a corner and letting the batteries decay and rot. Since my move to University though, I have found myself with a suspiciously large amount of free time – there was only one thing for it – to download a Gameboy emulator… and ZELDA!
Unfortunately the only emulator I could find was French, luckily however I am fluent in that language, so after three hours of fruitless struggling with it, finally got it working. And what a glorious, yet sad and pathetic experience it was, as I sat in the corner of my room, being simply stared at by all sane people. But I proved them wrong – I completed it! Aha! Unfortunately I wasn’t able to find the extra dungeon (this being the colour DX version) which I would be annoyed about had I actually paid any money for it › Continue reading
Somewhere in the dark and nasty regions, where nobody goes, stands an ancient castle. Deep within this dank and uninviting place lives Berk.
Overworked servant of the Thing upstairs.
BERK – FEED ME!
But that’s nothing compared to the horrors that lurk beneath the trapdoor. For there is always something down there, in the dark, waiting to come out…
#Don’t you open that trapdoor#
#You’re a fool if you dare#
#Stay away from that trapdoor#
#Cos there’s something down there# › Continue reading
The house in 12 Sim Road was for sale… but who were the mystery buyers? Two different owners, who had no idea of who the other was who purchased it, to live as roommates… they were Optimus Prime and Megatron! Oh, the HILARITY!
Megatron decided to put his differences aside with Prime for once. After all, a war is a bit impossible to pursue when you’re shacked up with the leader of your enemies. And anyway, he had Shockwave to sort everything out at work. Sadly Prime’s PA was Ultra Magnus, Shockwave’s opposite in only the fact that Shockwave is efficient and good at his job, and Magnus… well…
Anyhow, the twin pressures of having a delusional, pessimisic, suicidal assistant pursue the war; and living with Megatron, tyrannical leader of the Evil Decepticons caused Prime to go slightly mad.
Prime was forever setting fire to things in the kitchen at the dead of night, waking Megatron up in his pyjamas. If this wasn’t bad enough, Prime’s womanising came to the fore › Continue reading
When you’re young there are great opportunities for going out every night until 2am with your friends, partying the night away and having a good time. But what if you’re a sad, sad bastard like me? See, no-one has ever considered that, probably because no-one gives a toss. I however, do, and so will show everyone the light – turn your state-of-the-art computer into a Spectrum emulator! Of course, I’ve covered this topic on my site before (see if you can find that article. It’s so cunningly described), but having found more games to play, my destiny was obvious…
Jetset Willy 2
Jetset Willy 2 is an… odd game. In fact odd is probably the most sane word possible to describe it. For some reason you play a tiny guy in a hat who must run about a house, collecting glowing taps and things for no reason. All to a computerized rendition of Hall Of The Mountain King. For an example of it’s eternal strangeness, take a look at the picture above in the middle. Look, it’s Satan bouncing up and down in a library › Continue reading
Recently I found on the Internet a Spectrum emulation program (hence the lack of updates. So… fun…) If the word Spectrum simply reminds you of a rainbow, or a dodgy puppet organisation devoted to defeating torches, then this isn’t the article for you. But if it takes you back to those day-glo, halcyon days of hi-tech computers being those with 8k of RAM and Kempston joysticks, then hang around.
For the novices, let me explain. The ZX Spectrum was, in the eighties, the pinnacle of technology. However, in the eighties, pinnacle meant a whole 2 colours and a several hour waiting time to load a game. Well, not quite, but that’s what it seemed like. Instead of foolish devices like “disks,” the Spectrum used the pure medium of tapes. Yes, that’s right, games were encoded on normal everyday tapes, thus making game piracy easy as hell (you just copied the tape. Woo). As a kid, the Spectrum was the greatest thing known to man › Continue reading
Sometimes I think Dante got his circles of hell wrong. He postulated that the further you go, the more horrendous the punishment, from limbo down to storms to a city of devils to boiling oil and finally in the ninth circle, the fate of being frozen alive forever, guarded by Lucifer himself. Recently however I have discovered a further circle, even deeper with an even more diabolical punishment. Sinners are chained forever to their chairs, eyes glazed over at their computer screen repeatedly tapping the enter key as they attempt to level up their dwarf, trusty bottle by their side (because going to the toilet wastes precious leveling time)
Yes, I am talking about the world of MMPORGS
For a time, my productivity had delved to an even lower level than usual (no mean feat) with my discovery of the wonderful world of online gaming. No more was I a lonely nerd sitting at my desk – I could play with other lonely nerds online and thus climb the nerd hierarchy! › Continue reading
Currently, via a CD ROM kindly leant to me by a friend without his knowledge, I have been hacking my way through Icewind Dale, a game like Baldur’s Gate, only colder. That’s all you need to know. Well, that and the fact that you must make up a team of six characters and watch as they die horribly… I mean beat up Goblins and suchlike. Yeah. But it’s a hard game. Very hard. So in order to help all those new at this game, and not as skilled as me, I have decided to create a walkthrough. Huzzah!
First, you will need to create your own set of six characters. Since I have already completed this game, I shall use the characters I already had. This will, however, result in the fact that mine will be insanely powerful, whilst yours will be as weak as a newborn kitten. But that just means you’re not trying hard enough. Did Henry the Eighth give up when his craft, Apollo 13, nearly crashed on Mars? No, I think not. Now for a run-down of my characters:
1 – Jerry Springer
Every cut-and-thrust party needs an embittered fighter, a man whose entire life has been spent in conquest of one form or another, for whom war is the only life they’ve ever known. More importantly however is the fact that every cut-and-thrust party needs a third-rate chatshow host. I decided to choose Jerry Springer, since I reasoned that his sharp wit would be able to cut through any goblin horde. I was wrong though › Continue reading
There are some things in life that make you want to snap your fingers and go “wow – I wish I’d thought of that!” There are other things in life that make you say “Haha – I’d rather have shoved my eyeballs through a cheese grater rather than thought of that.” Of course, this site is not about the “wow” items. It’s cheese graters all the way…
Remember in the early 90’s, there were two products vying for our attention, two must have items – both claimed to be the latest gaming device, both were hand-held. Well, you know what they say…
“One shall stand and one shall fall”
These two items were not giant robots, but in fact The Game Boy and The Barcode Battler. Now, it’s pretty damn obvious who won – the Game Boy near enough twatted its competitor… but at that strange time of year, there were people who actually wanted the black box!