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Dem Demons
You’re a young adult, full and free with a spring in your step. You have a few laughs, a few innocent beers. All is well as you skip down the street, minding your own business whilst getting insanely drunk, smashing a few windows and mugging a couple of old ladies - but beware! Lurking in the darkness are evilly evil demons, wanting to use you as their puppet / slaves / novelty fruit bowls (delete as appropriate).
So how to avoid having apples stored in your nether-regions for all eternity? Well, simply take a glance at my handy guide expertly researched from five minutes of thought, to learn the best way to fight the darkness! W00t!
Doctor Who - The Daemons
Who? Azal, last of the Daemons. And considering that a Daemon is a skinny gay hobo covered in fake chest hair (can’t quite see the medallion) and wearing a party-mask, this isn’t surprising. Perhaps the rest of the Daemons fell over and broke their masks, and couldn’t be bothered to tramp over to Poundland to pick up a replacement? …more
The Ten Worst Ideas in Doctor Who
So Matt Smith is the eleventh Doctor, and already the internet has not only exploded, but imploded with bitching about how he is too young, too pretty / ugly, not David Tennant, etc etc. People who have kids have reported them running upstairs crying, nerds on the internet have proclaimed Doctor Who is ruined forever, and Satan has popped out of hell, said “Cor, its a bit hot up here luv” and vanished again.
But lets get this into perspective. We’ve not seen Matt as the Doctor and that will be the deal breaker. Heck, I thought exactly the same about David Tennant when he got the role, that he was a nobody who wouldn’t be able to hold up to the greatness of Eccleston, and now he’s become my favourite Doctor ever. I’m sure there was even worse grousing when Sylvester McCoy was cast, and he turned out fantastic! Doctor Who is pretty hard to ruin forever. Sydney Newman, the creator said that he didn’t want any ‘bug eyed monsters’ in the show since that would ruin it, and the very second story featured the Daleks. We all know how that turned out!
So the jury’s still out. As I always say, the proof is in the pudding, and I am waiting with my bib and spoon out. As long as Matt gets a scarf to cover his freakishly long neck, I’ll be happy. And it could so easily be worse. The night before he was cast I had a dream that it was him playing the next Doctor, but that his companions would be four robot children! Below are the ten worst things that has ever happened in Doctor Who that still failed to ‘ruin the programme forever’. …more
Matt vs Coke
I like to consider myself a hardcore coke addict. Not for me the tangy, acrid and opaque allure of the water from the taps. No, it is burning death to my insides all the way. During periods of stress, I tend to consume so much of it that I get diabetes from all the sugar. Luckily, I then consume even more, so like a second smash on the head, the incurable illness is cured!
For the uneducated masses, I shall give a lesson in the history of coke. But since no uneducated masses are reading this, I won’t. This is lucky as I haven’t a clue, apart from the fact that if you cover a corpse in coke and leave it for four days, there won’t be a trace left. And I only know that from personal experience…
It was on Saturday then, that I found myself wandering up to Birmingham City Centre for the sole reason of picking up some anime for my ‘friend’, Kevin. Kevin had arranged to meet a scary bloke, but instead decided that he needed to go to Bristol for no reason. So I had to make an hour round trek, because I’m a lovely, selfless guy (and so I could pick up some Transformer comics). On my way, I passed Tescos, and popped in since I needed some food for the weekend, having an empty cupboard. Working on the principle that Sherbet Lemons and Pretzels did indeed constitute a healthy meal to last 48 hours, my basket was soon full. Until I came across the coke section, with myriad different cokes. I was in heaven, and soon my hands were twisted and scarred from lugging around shopping bags full of different cans of coke.
So then I decided to totally destroy any chance I had remaining of being healthy, by drinking them all in one go and reviewing them
From the picture above was my battle plan. Sherbet Lemons and pretzels to keep me wanting more coke. Coke, Diet Coke, Caffeine-free coke …more
Darrow-A-Day
Christmas is fast approaching, and in this time of snow, wind, rain and religious people attacking you on the street with their twisted messages of ‘peace’ and ‘goodwill’, it is important to remember the true meaning of Christmas, a celebration of our saviour.
I was idly making fun of the homeless and single mothers online this morning to my pal Mark when he reminded me that soon it was the celebration of our saviour on Earth, Paul Darrow
Paul Darrow, aka Avon from Blake’s 7 is perhaps the closest representation of God on Earth we shall ever see. I mean, did Jesus dress up in studded black vinyl and fight the fiendish Federation, whilst beating up women? I don’t think so!
Despite not being gay, I decided to celebrate Avon!
Avon is perhaps the best hero ever! Prancing about in crazy outfits, he won the hearts of the British public, who even sent money to the BBC to buy him acting lessons. What other good guy slaps about women and kills the title character of the show (the aforementioned Blake)? Silly Avon, ruffle his hair, the scamp.
There are three logical routes with which I could take this article. The first would be to review an episode of Blake’s 7. But I don’t want my eyes to start spontaneously bleeding again. The second would be to write for several thousand words about how great Paul Darrow is, and how he gives orphans presents before he kills them. But as I said, I’m not gay. The final option is to make a Paul Darrow Calendar, for you all to print out and enjoy! With QUOTES! (And yes, I know technically it’s ‘Darrow-A-Month’. Shut up, it’s a good title)
So run up to your office printer and reserve your spot, I’m sure everyone will be eagerly printing this all off to hang proudly on their walls!
Here we have Avon taking time out from fighting the evil Federation to make a delightful snowman, the little rapscallion!
The Second Secret Of Doctor Who
In 1963 the BBC decided that they needed to create a programme that would last an eternity and imbue itself in the heart and soul of a nation, create a show that would run and run and run, be popularist yet intelligent. But instead, they created Doctor Who.
But Doctor Who was not always to be a series about a kindly old man who kidnaps teachers and beats up aliens, oh no …more
Alpha Trion vs Emirate Xaaron
For years there has been one question that has burned within humanity, one truth needing to be discovered before the dawning of perfection. No, not the path to eternal life, nor the location of Atlantis, but…
Who would win -
Alpha Trion vs Emirate Xaaron
What do you mean who are they? Like Rocky vs Mr T; God versus Satan, this eternal struggle is one that has gripped the nation …more
‘Amazing’ Costumes
Being such a social moth, I am often invited to parties. Putting on my thick clothes, I flutter towards any lit window and crash through, mingling with my good friends as they point and scream in happiness.
Of course most people like to dress up, and since I am fantastic, I must always wear the best stuff. Perhaps you want to copy me and be awesome? Below are a selection of some of the various costumes I have worn to my scummy parties. Apologies for the amount of photos of myself.
Matt Trakker
Guttingly this is the only photo that remains of this costume. …more
…And Here’s One I Made Earlier
Amongst the pantheon of junk at my house, there is a supply of my old school stuff. Of course, I don’t need it any more, but have kept it, in case I regress backwards in time, and have to go through school again. Well, it’s possible. Anyway, for some inexplicable reason we were encouraged to make items, using our ’skills.’ However, trying to get a class of 14-year-olds to actually show any such skills was a lost cause. And so I present some of the things that I made, back when I was young and innocent. Remember, I was proud of these…
1 - The Castle
Look good fellow - what could this be? Is it… Camelot? No - aha, see how I tricked you with my insanely realistic model in a natural setting? Am I not clever? …more
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