Last week was my birthday! Was I going to have a big party? No, I was in fact off to the biggest ever European Transformer convention, Auto Assembly. Go me!
In my defense, I’d been super excited about this for months. I’d been to conventions before, but not a Transformers one on this scale – a record attendance (over 500 people) and for a full weekend, it would at least be unique. There was also a load of people I knew that were attending, being the perfect chance to catch up with them. And for those that didn’t go, shame on you.
Friday night was mostly a ‘getting to know you’ event, with various people milling about. I met up with various people as planned, and took a look at all the wares on the various stalls. They were all set up on Friday night, but couldn’t start trading till Saturday morning. And given some of the rather insane deals, predictions of a rush to get in were well founded.
Who likes Pretenders? Me! Me!
Foolishly I volunteered for the ‘fan dub’ event. This was a good idea in theory – namely get some people on stage to do voiceovers for an episode. Unfortunately the episode in question was ‘The Rebirth’ with its six million characters, and no-one really knew what was going on. I shall never look at that episode ever again (and for some reason, all Nebulons go ‘MIMIMIMIMIMIMI’ instead of talking normally, who knew!). Most people then left for a trip to see Revenge Of The Fallen at the cinema again, but I didn’t. Because I don’t hate myself that much. › Continue reading
I had a rather heated argument with my housemate the other day. Not on politics, religion or Masterchef, but about the Millennium Dome of all things. Nine years later it continues to rear its ugly head over the British consciousness. Will it ever let us go so that we can be free and skip gaily through the fields of freedom?
For those of you not familiar with this, the Millennium Dome was pretty much all the newspapers talked about from 1998 to 2000 (once Princess Diana had finished being dead). For some dumb reason (culture apparently) the government decided to build a giant dome costing 600 million pounds. Of course in this day and age of ‘yeah failing bank, have a million trillion quid’ this doesn’t seem as bad, but at the time it was unprecedented.
For the millennium then, the citizens of this fine country got a big dome. Unfortunately the government hadn’t a clue what to do with it – Peter Mandelson the minister in charge, even suggested leaving it empty. Part of me hopes it was a joke, of course the other part knows how inept governments can be. Really, to celebrate the millennium the government could have used the money to give everyone in the country a tenner and we’d have been far happier. Better that than some awful tourist attraction.
This was where the argument with my housemate comes in. He tried to tell me that it was the biggest attraction in Britain that year thus it was a success. But really, you’re always going to get people gaggling at a train wreck. At the end of the day it didn’t pull in nearly half the visitors it wanted, and ended up using 600 million of public money. On an awful tourist attraction!
And I know this, because I went there! › Continue reading
So that I could concentrate on important matters such as completing Lego Batman, I asked a good friend Andrew Osmond, who plays my fake internet robot brother to help me out. “Okay Matt!” he said. “When my wife is out the house, I will whip out my camera and take photos of jelly sweets.” Luckily he was not caught taking photographs of inanimate objects as feared, and his relationship remains intact!
So behold reader, as Andrew shows you all about Transformer sweets! Now I’m going back to chasing Two-Face in the lego Batmobile!
Ever wanted to eat your Transformer toy, but always choked on the delicious but unchewable plastic? Now, your dreams have come true with ‘limited edition’ Transformers Animated Fruit Snacks by Betty Crocker!
Today you’re in for a real treat! Oh you lucky people, I’ve stuffed Matt in a box and have taken over his site to bring you news of delicious likenesses of your favourite Transformers Animated characters. Don’t worry, I put an air hole in the box, he’ll probably chew his way out by the time you’re done reading this article.
So, here we have the insidiously brightly-coloured box you may have seen in your local supermarket next to the boring, non-transformers themed fruit snacks. See how it taunts us with it’s amazing picture of Optimus Prime reaching out, as is to grab your mother and strangle her until she buys you a cart FULL of these amazing fruit snacks? › Continue reading
The world is a wonderful place, right? The sun shines, the flowers glow… but wait, what’s that dark cloud on the horizon? Yes – it’s the dark cloud… of porn. Filthy old men in dirty overcoats, peddling their wares on street corners… but there is an even more… sinister side. More fiendish than weird Japanese tentacle fetishes, more insidious than German… TV. No, today the lid shall be blown wide open on…
(Don’t worry, this article is strictly PG rated. No, wait, don’t go!)
The internet was once a pure medium, a repository for those interested in films, games and bomb-making to pool their knowledge. But no more! My first inkling of a sickening, twisted underworld came when my good friend (no longer!) Neal, found, via portalofevil.com, a weird, strange site. Sadly he was in a very public place when he did this, and so shouting “Hey Matt, come look at what I’ve found” probably wasn’t the best course of action. But what had he found? Two robots – Transformers – doing… stuff.
Yeah, I know
What I really want to know is who would spend valuable seconds of their life drawing stuff like that, as opposed to infinitely more constructive activities, such as sleeping, or typing pathetically unfunny articles on some third-rate website. There was only one person to investigate – only one hard-nosed reporter with the courage and bravery to pull through!
Sadly he was busy, so it had to be me. › Continue reading
…Now watch the film? For ages Hollywood has turned it’s nose up at such foolish concepts as “original screenplays” and instead has been systematically raiding everywhere for ideas. I dare you to name a recent major film that isn’t a sequel or ripped off of – sorry, a homage to – an old TV series or comic book. Or one that doesn’t suck (and no, the Matrix doesn’t count). But Hollywood were faced with a dilemma – they had run out of things to steal. Should they go down the road of Police Adacemy, and create many hilarious films.. well, films anyway. Or just find more weird and obscure shows, such as a film version of Knightmare, or Bagpuss – The Movie.
No, today is the day of computer games. Remember watching your friends play their computer games and sharing in the excitement as you leaned over their shoulder? Well now you can get the same effect at the cinema, as film producers have hired 12 year old kids to play games with a film camera pointed at them. Okay, that’s a lie, it just sounds more exciting than adapting a game.
But why would anyone want to see the film of a game? For the amazing plots taken faithfully from such entertainment (collect all the coins. Woo)? Or just as a filthy, corrupt trick? Today I shall be looking at ten different films based on computer games, and deciding whether they are any good or not.
Super Mario Brothers
Based on: Super Mario. Surprisingly. Although you kinda guessed that, no?
Super Mario Bros is a film that is mocked by many, citing the… well I’m not sure really, since I am actually a fan of this film – I have it on video, and for me, buying something that doesn’t have either time travellers or giant robots in is a big step › Continue reading
“Don’t play with your food, Matty Boy”, my mum would scream as I moulded my bangers and mash into intricate scale models of World War II jet planes. Of course, my fascination with food instead of toys came to a head that dark day in Mcdonalds where a police swat team had to take me down after I modelled a working glock out of a Happy Meal bag and a few Chicken McNuggets.
Of course, spending every dinner time chomping down on MASK and Thundercats figures didn’t do much to help.
Living life in a crazy upside-down fashion is now something I have grown out of. But food company Red Mill have driven dump trucks into my malformed childhood brain and seemingly shovelled out bucket loads of gooey insane ideas › Continue reading
As I have previously waxed lyrical about, the internet is full of terrible things, such as bomb-plans, insect porn and Transformers Roleplay games. The log I will present today has been kicking about the internet for a while, but here I am nailing it to the wall as if some sort of futuristic Martin Luthor.
One of the most… infamous Transformer fans is ‘Raksha’. She whose site was mentioned on somethingawful.com for its content which included essays such as “Why the Decepticons are the good guys”; “Why Soundwave is AMAZING”; and of course, “Why it would be good if the Decepticons invaded Earth and annihilated the human scum”. But I’m not here to cast doubts as to the sanity of this individual, since that would be mean. Well, and I’d get insane threats via e-mail. › Continue reading
You’re a young adult, full and free with a spring in your step. You have a few laughs, a few innocent beers. All is well as you skip down the street, minding your own business whilst getting insanely drunk, smashing a few windows and mugging a couple of old ladies – but beware! Lurking in the darkness are evilly evil demons, wanting to use you as their puppet / slaves / novelty fruit bowls (delete as appropriate).
So how to avoid having apples stored in your nether-regions for all eternity? Well, simply take a glance at my handy guide expertly researched from five minutes of thought, to learn the best way to fight the darkness! W00t!
Doctor Who – The Daemons
Who? Azal, last of the Daemons. And considering that a Daemon is a skinny gay hobo covered in fake chest hair (can’t quite see the medallion) and wearing a party-mask, this isn’t surprising. Perhaps the rest of the Daemons fell over and broke their masks, and couldn’t be bothered to tramp over to Poundland to pick up a replacement? › Continue reading
So Matt Smith is the eleventh Doctor, and already the internet has not only exploded, but imploded with bitching about how he is too young, too pretty / ugly, not David Tennant, etc etc. People who have kids have reported them running upstairs crying, nerds on the internet have proclaimed Doctor Who is ruined forever, and Satan has popped out of hell, said “Cor, its a bit hot up here luv” and vanished again.
But lets get this into perspective. We’ve not seen Matt as the Doctor and that will be the deal breaker. Heck, I thought exactly the same about David Tennant when he got the role, that he was a nobody who wouldn’t be able to hold up to the greatness of Eccleston, and now he’s become my favourite Doctor ever. I’m sure there was even worse grousing when Sylvester McCoy was cast, and he turned out fantastic! Doctor Who is pretty hard to ruin forever. Sydney Newman, the creator said that he didn’t want any ‘bug eyed monsters’ in the show since that would ruin it, and the very second story featured the Daleks. We all know how that turned out!
So the jury’s still out. As I always say, the proof is in the pudding, and I am waiting with my bib and spoon out. As long as Matt gets a scarf to cover his freakishly long neck, I’ll be happy. And it could so easily be worse. The night before he was cast I had a dream that it was him playing the next Doctor, but that his companions would be four robot children! Below are the ten worst things that has ever happened in Doctor Who that still failed to ‘ruin the programme forever’. › Continue reading
I like to consider myself a hardcore coke addict. Not for me the tangy, acrid and opaque allure of the water from the taps. No, it is burning death to my insides all the way. During periods of stress, I tend to consume so much of it that I get diabetes from all the sugar. Luckily, I then consume even more, so like a second smash on the head, the incurable illness is cured!
For the uneducated masses, I shall give a lesson in the history of coke. But since no uneducated masses are reading this, I won’t. This is lucky as I haven’t a clue, apart from the fact that if you cover a corpse in coke and leave it for four days, there won’t be a trace left. And I only know that from personal experience…
It was on Saturday then, that I found myself wandering up to Birmingham City Centre for the sole reason of picking up some anime for my ‘friend’, Kevin. Kevin had arranged to meet a scary bloke, but instead decided that he needed to go to Bristol for no reason. So I had to make an hour round trek, because I’m a lovely, selfless guy (and so I could pick up some Transformer comics). On my way, I passed Tescos, and popped in since I needed some food for the weekend, having an empty cupboard. Working on the principle that Sherbet Lemons and Pretzels did indeed constitute a healthy meal to last 48 hours, my basket was soon full. Until I came across the coke section, with myriad different cokes. I was in heaven, and soon my hands were twisted and scarred from lugging around shopping bags full of different cans of coke.
So then I decided to totally destroy any chance I had remaining of being healthy, by drinking them all in one go and reviewing them
From the picture above was my battle plan. Sherbet Lemons and pretzels to keep me wanting more coke. Coke, Diet Coke, Caffeine-free coke › Continue reading