Turtlewind

Boots Lipstick no. 7

Some ruffians have accused the Turtle of not examining serious subjects! Lies! I am not only an officer and a gentleman, I am a consumate consumer, and have imparted my wisdom across many issues. There is nothing I do not know, as you will learn from my review of lipstick. Yes, LIPSTICK.

Boots No. 7 lipstick is the seventh product in the Boots lipstick range. This means that they released 6 lipsticks before that. It shows, as the lipstick is well developed, and the colour stays on for at least 23% longer than if you use Boots No. 6 lipstick.

This lipstick comes in many colours from light red to dark red, and sometimes blue, and generally goes on lips. › Continue reading

Tags: , , ,

Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009 Turtlewind No Comments

The Erotic Turtle

A few weeks ago, I was intrigued to find pages on the internet that chronicled the chief ways in which individual scribes found themselves titillated. I was quite shocked at the brazen way in which many of these depraved writers talked so openly about their naughty-bumpy habits.

Thankfully a wandering guardian of public morals was good enough to spend a weekend moaning about all this shocking filth which he’d spent several hours seeking out and reading, and so the powers that be on this blessed epistlular forum removed all the smut so they could take it home and bash out a quick one over them in private.

But the mind of the mysterious Mr Turtlewind often moves like glacial flow – imperceptibly slowly yet with unstoppable momentum. And just a few short hours ago I woke up with wobbly knees:

‘I have to write about what turns me on!’ I squealed › Continue reading

Tags: ,

Tuesday, February 24th, 2009 Turtlewind 3 Comments

Kiss of the Turtle!

Romance has been sadly lacking in my life, despite my strict adherence to the guidelines I have detailed elsewhere on this fairly esteemed site. And yet, there was someone once…

As I drifted through the A level system, I spent many long hours thinking about how great it would be to have female companionship. I’d briefly been inspired by Mr Kenneth Branagh’s noble cinematic adaptation of Frankenstein, where the unnatural creation yearned for a similarly deformed spouse that would be unafraid of him. The whole world conspired to mock my celibate status. The Lion King showed that cartoon lions were managing to get it on and rubbing the fact in on the big screen, and then I received the news that even my esteemed colleague, the mysterious Mr Doctor Who, a most notorious celibate, was preparing to get a girlfriend on television. This was very nearly the last straw, and I wept bitter tears every evening throughout the early months of 1996. › Continue reading

Tags: ,

Tuesday, February 17th, 2009 Turtlewind 2 Comments

İzmir Narlıdere ve Seferihisar iş imkanlarından yararlanın

İzmir eleman ilanları sitemiz İzmir iş ilanları bölgemizde faaliyet gösteren özel sektör eleman ihtiyaçlarını gün içinde güncellenerek sistemine yansıtacaktır. Oluşturulan sistemle her türlü meslek gurubunu çalışma  ihtiyaca göre iş  alanlarına yönlendiren İzmir iş ilanları sitesi İlçeler için oluşturduğu sayfalarda bu bölgedeki  özel sektör tarafından talep edilen eleman ihtiyaçlarını karşılamaktadır. Gün içinde güncellenen sayfamızı takip ederek bilgi alabilirsiniz. iş ilanları narlıdere
sayfası Narlıdere bölgesi  eleman taleplerini sistemine yansıtarak sizleri bilgilendirecektir. iş ilanları Seferihisar bu bölgedeki özel sektör eleman taleplerini karşılamaktadır güvenli ortamlarda çağın gereklerine göre yönetim anlayışına sahip çalışma alanlarındaki iş fırsatlarını değerlendirin.

Sunday, February 15th, 2009 Turtlewind No Comments

The Turtle Cooks! (SLOW-O)

Well, it’s been a little time since I’ve been at enough of a loss to bother myself with this place, hasn’t it? To be frank with you, readers, the great and benevolent Mr Turtlewind has been a little busy of late. The slightly esteemed footballer Mr Gordon Ramsay called round asking if I could do him a favour and let him film the last of his televisual series at Turtle Grange. It wasn’t going to be the last in the series originally, but he coincidentally happened to have a freak head wound after he looked in the ‘secret freezer’. The scamp. › Continue reading

Tags: , ,

Tuesday, February 3rd, 2009 Turtlewind No Comments

Diamonds Smell Of Wee. Discuss

As many of my readers and creditors will happily testify, the mysterious Mr Turtlewind is a most enthusiastic young natural philosopher. Having promised a nice man in a long wig that I would never again seek to determine the tensile strength of grey cats, however, these last three or four months have seen me take a bit of a sabbatical from my scientific trail-blazing.

Imagine my delight, then, when I happened to surf back on to my old turf of review site Ciao to be greeted with the perfect hypothesis for an eager scamp to test – and only the barest minimum of cruelty to animals required. › Continue reading

Tags: , , ,

Tuesday, January 27th, 2009 Turtlewind No Comments

I’m Not Challenged, I’m SPECIAL

Many have been the people in the streets stopping me and asking who I am, and if I would like to accompany them to the station. No sir, I don’t want to travel on British Rail thank YOU! But it makes me realise that being an International Turtle of Mystery means I am quite mysterious. So I have filled out some godawful quiz so that you may survey my majesty. And by majesty I mean my HUGE WANG.

01. What time is it?
13:44

02. Name
The Mysterious Mr Turtlewind esq.

03. Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake:
There were eleven candles, but one fell off when I jumped over the fence. I nearly had one with eight candles last week, but the little boy’s father rugby-tackled me as I tried to flee the party with my sponge-based trophy. › Continue reading

Tags: ,

Tuesday, January 20th, 2009 Turtlewind No Comments

Online Heavy Duty and Metal Zipper Choices

There is a new website that is offering people the option to buy zippers online. You have heard it right! You can even shop for zippers online now. The zipper choices at zippershipper.com are also not limited like the ones you would find at your local stores. They have various categories such as metal zippers, invisible zippers, heavy duty zippers and separating zippers to choose from.

ZipperShipper.Com’s customers include upholstery shops, costuming departments, tailors, cleaners, contract sewers, small scale designers, home seamstresses etc. The availability of various zipper categories and the option to buy in pieces or in bulk makes the site attractive. Fast shipping options and worldwide shipping makes the site appealing to a large crowd.

Whether you are an upholstery shop owner in need of heavy duty zippers or a tailor in need of metal zippers to fix a customer’s jacket, ZipperShipper.Com has what you need available 24/7.

Thursday, January 15th, 2009 Turtlewind No Comments

I Tried, I Didn’t Like It, I Did Not Impale

I have a very serious problem with cannabis. Ever since the young apprentices at the Turtlewind Scorpion Research Academy discovered that I had mislead them as to the true provenance of the ‘nettles’ behind my greenhouse, I have been tripping along to the police station most weekday afternoons to bail out one or other of the little tykes, who can frequently be seen falling asleep over fences. I had no idea you could get so mashed by smoking bindweed. › Continue reading

Tags: , , ,

Wednesday, January 14th, 2009 Turtlewind 2 Comments

How I Nearly Became The Eleventh Doctor

You may know, dear reader, that the Mysterious and Magical Mr Turtlewind esq has been the subject of many a frenzied public debate. From being a celebrity chef with my classic Tarte a la Boue, to hosting dinner parties the talk of the shanty-town, and even the perennial “we know you did it but we can’t prove it so off you go” dance I do with the nice men in blue hats every so often. But what you may not realise is that I, not Mr Matt Smith, was originally cast in the part of the eleventh Doctor!

Growing up, the young Turtle would watch with rapt attention at the screen as Mr Tom Baker fought with all manner of monsters. ‘At last’, I thought! ‘Someone I can identify with, who like me has great problems struggling with cardboard boxes and likes to live in a wooden crate.’ But my childhood innocence was forever crushed when he jumped off some scaffolding and turned into a space bogey. I vowed that day upon my tear-stained copy of The Junior Doctor Who Guide To Scorpion Training that if ever the chance came, I would take up the mantle of the errant Time Lord myself and steer the Tardis to even more muddy planets.

So it happened that some time last summer I was busy in my daily routine of scampering down the canal path catching butterflies in my mouth, when I was passed by a barge. › Continue reading

Tags: , , , , , ,

Monday, January 5th, 2009 Turtlewind 4 Comments