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	<title>Redshirt.co.uk &#187; Turtlewind</title>
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	<link>http://www.redshirt.co.uk</link>
	<description>All The World&#039;s A Stage. So Where&#039;s The Script?</description>
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		<title>The Turtle Moralises</title>
		<link>http://www.redshirt.co.uk/turtlewind/the-turtle-moralises/</link>
		<comments>http://www.redshirt.co.uk/turtlewind/the-turtle-moralises/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 28 Apr 2009 09:00:34 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Turtlewind</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Turtlewind]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Moral Dilemma]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.redshirt.co.uk/?p=359</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[
My previous attempt to have sex with the last girl who sent me an email forward failed after she found out how to block my messages. Now, however, I have completed one of her challenges with responses so nakedly honest that she will have no choice but to be filled with a desire to gaze [...]


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		<item>
		<title>Turtles go to a BETTER place. Than you</title>
		<link>http://www.redshirt.co.uk/turtlewind/turtles-go-to-a-better-place-than-you/</link>
		<comments>http://www.redshirt.co.uk/turtlewind/turtles-go-to-a-better-place-than-you/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 21 Apr 2009 09:00:10 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Turtlewind</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Turtlewind]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Eulogy]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.redshirt.co.uk/?p=349</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[
After the rapturous reception received by my warning against the dissembling nature of McDonalds, my scorpion buddies and I decided to reward you foolish lay people with another glimpse into the fascinating world of the International Turtle of Mystery. I was drawn to this heading because it involves laughing at death, which I like to [...]


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		<item>
		<title>&#8220;I Am The Bad Turtle. I Create Myself&#8221;</title>
		<link>http://www.redshirt.co.uk/turtlewind/i-am-the-bad-turtle-i-create-myself/</link>
		<comments>http://www.redshirt.co.uk/turtlewind/i-am-the-bad-turtle-i-create-myself/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 14 Apr 2009 09:00:07 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Turtlewind</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Turtlewind]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Creationism]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Debate]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Evolution]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.redshirt.co.uk/?p=385</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[
It has been a scary few months in the life of your friend, the Mysterious Mr Turtlewind. I was so drained by the tedium of completing some unesteemed fool&#8217;s challenge in my previous epistolatory masterpiece that I allowed myself to be abducted by the Anti-Matt, a universe-shattering Mini Cheddar-addicted demon. Who lives in a garage [...]


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		<slash:comments>2</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>Turtle What? Turtle If?</title>
		<link>http://www.redshirt.co.uk/turtlewind/turtle-what-turtle-if/</link>
		<comments>http://www.redshirt.co.uk/turtlewind/turtle-what-turtle-if/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 31 Mar 2009 09:00:51 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Turtlewind</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Turtlewind]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[If]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Questions]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[What]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.redshirt.co.uk/?p=367</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[
I have returned humans. Know me.
“WHATS”
(1.) What is the first interesting thing that you see when you look around the room?
Barry the Scorpion! My rascally little armour-plated life partner. A little older, a little frailer, but still poking venom into the feet of passing children on Dagenham High Street like the practical joker he’s always [...]


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		<title>Dear Mr Doctor Who</title>
		<link>http://www.redshirt.co.uk/turtlewind/dear-mr-doctor-who/</link>
		<comments>http://www.redshirt.co.uk/turtlewind/dear-mr-doctor-who/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 24 Mar 2009 10:30:21 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Turtlewind</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Turtlewind]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[doctor who]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Dr Who]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[K9]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.redshirt.co.uk/?p=376</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[
Dear Mr Doctor Who
I enjoy your adventures tremendously, as you battle against evil in the Universe and in Surrey. I fight evil too, and you are my role model, along with Bananaman. Most of the evil I fight consists of the boys who throw stones in my village, but I want to buy a TARDIS [...]


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		<title>Turtle Club</title>
		<link>http://www.redshirt.co.uk/turtlewind/turtle-club/</link>
		<comments>http://www.redshirt.co.uk/turtlewind/turtle-club/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 17 Mar 2009 10:45:49 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Turtlewind</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Turtlewind]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Fight Club]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Floppies]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Turtle Club]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.redshirt.co.uk/?p=370</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[
It takes an average of five prank calls full of girlish giggling before a person will block your number.
I know this because Turtle knows this
The first time I saw Turtle was on Studland Beach. He thought he was on the naturist part and was racing up and down the dunes shouting about his HUGE WANG [...]


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		<title>T For Turtlewind</title>
		<link>http://www.redshirt.co.uk/turtlewind/t-for-turtlewind/</link>
		<comments>http://www.redshirt.co.uk/turtlewind/t-for-turtlewind/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 10 Mar 2009 08:30:06 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Turtlewind</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Turtlewind]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Lynmouth]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[V for Vendetta]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.redshirt.co.uk/?p=372</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[
On a dark and stormy night in the latter days of the nineteenth century, a boat ran into trouble off the coast of North Devon.
We all know that the Lynmouth lifeboat crew dragged their craft over Countisbury Hill to launch from the calmer waters of Porlock, but who were they? What were they like? Did [...]


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		</item>
		<item>
		<title>Boots Lipstick no. 7</title>
		<link>http://www.redshirt.co.uk/turtlewind/boots-lipstick-no-7/</link>
		<comments>http://www.redshirt.co.uk/turtlewind/boots-lipstick-no-7/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 03 Mar 2009 12:18:25 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Turtlewind</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Turtlewind]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Boots]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Lipstick]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[no.7]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.redshirt.co.uk/?p=159</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[
Some ruffians have accused the Turtle of not examining serious subjects! Lies! I am not only an officer and a gentleman, I am a consumate consumer, and have imparted my wisdom across many issues. There is nothing I do not know, as you will learn from my review of lipstick. Yes, LIPSTICK.
Boots No. 7 lipstick [...]


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		<slash:comments>0</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>The Erotic Turtle</title>
		<link>http://www.redshirt.co.uk/turtlewind/the-erotic-turtle/</link>
		<comments>http://www.redshirt.co.uk/turtlewind/the-erotic-turtle/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 24 Feb 2009 11:43:11 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Turtlewind</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Turtlewind]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Turn-On]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.redshirt.co.uk/?p=364</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[
A few weeks ago, I was intrigued to find pages on the internet that chronicled the chief ways in which individual scribes found themselves titillated. I was quite shocked at the brazen way in which many of these depraved writers talked so openly about their naughty-bumpy habits.
Thankfully a wandering guardian of public morals was good [...]


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		<slash:comments>2</slash:comments>
		</item>
		<item>
		<title>Kiss of the Turtle!</title>
		<link>http://www.redshirt.co.uk/turtlewind/kiss-of-the-turtle/</link>
		<comments>http://www.redshirt.co.uk/turtlewind/kiss-of-the-turtle/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 17 Feb 2009 09:00:48 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Turtlewind</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Turtlewind]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Romance]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.redshirt.co.uk/?p=362</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[
Romance has been sadly lacking in my life, despite my strict adherence to the guidelines I have detailed elsewhere on this fairly esteemed site. And yet, there was someone once&#8230;
As I drifted through the A level system, I spent many long hours thinking about how great it would be to have female companionship. I&#8217;d briefly [...]


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