Gobots Collision Course Comet!

I was bemoaning my existence on the internet this morning, when my good friend Fulcrum (that’s his REAL NAME, honest. He just had really cruel parents) decided to change this. And make my life much, much worse with the ‘gift’ of a Gobots NOVEL. Or junior book, whatever.

Reading it affected me in many ways. My eyes welled up. With blood. I began to cry. For humanity. So as a lovely gesture, I will let you see the beauty that is…

Collision Course Comet!

Wow, do you feel the drama? Whilst Transformers had epic tales about rogue gods and betrayals written by Simon Furman and illustrated by such celebrated artists as Andrew Wildman and Geoff Senior, Gobots had… a kiddies book with a very… strange picture on the cover. It’s supposed to be Crasher, the female villain. Who looks like she’s wearing a headband with two cartoon eyes beneath it. It makes me cry, that someone who draws worse than me actually got employed somehow. But wait, it gets worse, as my pithy comments will soon show you…

 

 First off, that’s blatantly not an observatory. That’s a long-range cannon. Silly US government, hiding military equipment inside civilian buildings. Want more proof? Well, if the comet is so gosh darn special, why are the scientists huddled outside, rather than do anything useful with their equipment?

 

 Now we get some action! Or we would if that paragraph was actually readable. Did lights jump at the scientists? And to celebrate, did Crasher really eject her back wheels? I really, really doubt it

 

 Look, I’m sorry. For something that has a slight educational air (comets are cool, kids), this takes the cake. The truck is blatantly orange, not yellow. I can’t even begin to explain how retarded you must be to make that mistake in something publishable (that’s not a BBC Doctor Who novel)

 

 Crasher shoots into the air like a bullet. Does that mean she’s traveling several hundred meters a second into the air? Erm… no

 

 Well, see those gritty illustrations with so much life and emotion to them? No, well neither do I. And its obvious that the writer has absolutely no clue what the hero Gobot is supposed to be called. Can I also raise at this point that Crasher is supposed to be female. Wow, what a… looker?

 

 Milkshake? Little adventure? God, Gobots suck. But at least there’s a macho character called Matt. Who was inside the Gobot at the time, but mysteriously didn’t get crushed. I suppose this pilot enjoys driving around inside dump-trucks late at night. Probably moonlighting to support his illegal second family

 

 LOOK, EDUCATION. SCIENCE CAN BE BOTH MEAN OR AWESOME AND BY THAT I MEAN TOTALLY SWEET

 

 Matt now seemingly has a head growing out of his shoulder. He probably thinks he’s in Army of Darkness, not Gobots. Or at least wishes. Why does the hero Gobot have no self-confidence? Probably because no-one actually knows his name. Ho ho ho. And that Crasher. Again, what a looker…

 

 Crash Halley’s comet into Earth? Who does Cy-Kill think he is? The Cyberleader from Attack Of The Cybermen? (And if you don’t know, please, please don’t ask). Would something utterly millions of miles away and consisting mostly of a substance that would burn up upon entry to an atmosphere really be that effective as a missile anyway? Only in Gobot Land!

 

But… no… what on Earth is wrong with that man’s eyes? See a doctor, quick! I have a drawing which I did when I was three which looks better than that

 

Hnn. Mixafon. And it’s stupid inhabitants who look like comedy stuffed toys. And let themselves get whipped by Cy-Frickin’-Kill. It was about at this point where my mind leapt out of my ear and made a break for the door. Well, what was left of my mind anyhow, the rest had already departed years ago.

 

What the hell? Are these Mixafons French or something? And can’t they move their hands from a raised position at all? It’s really not a question of ‘was the artist drunk?’. No, it’s more ‘how much did he have and can I have some too?’

 

Oh, more clever science. Forgive me if Gobots thrill me too much

 

Silly Matt. Up late at night with a young girl, playing with his enormous telescope. Heh. Heh. Heh.

 

Cy-Kill calls some scientists on their Bat-Phone, and asks them to surrender. Surrender what? The Earth? Their telescope? That really cool coffee mug in the corner with the witty slogan? Also note that Cy-Kill is really clever. The good guys would obviously assume he would hide the gravity device on board his massive, heavily-armed battle cruiser. So.. he didn’t put it there. Sneaky

 

Matt’s not looking for scientific info. He just ran to his computer to grab some porn after copping a look at his friend’s ass. No, seriously, look at the pictures. Good man…

 

The writer has no clue as to this Gobot’s name either, does he? If indeed it was written by something sentient, something I am beginning to have doubts with. And this 2001 rip-off monolith is guarded by a mighty force of… one. Its like the villains don’t want to win. Also note how Crasher is once more posing in her character sheet model. In space.

 

Feinted. They use the word feinted in a kiddies book. What sort of kid know what feinted means but doesn’t know that scientists are KNOWLEDGEABLE?

 

Woo! The heroes won! But what is their final task?

 

…we don’t find out. Obviously the Gobot was made to self-destruct, thus destroying the device in a manner unfit for a kiddies book. Or the writer committed suicide after reading his draft and it had to be finished by his 3-month old kitten. But the good guys won. And AJ had apparently spent the last few hours pleading for mercy. Well, if you were a hot female locked in a room with loads of geeky scientists whose time was numbered, wouldn’t you? (And by that, I mean they wanted her to watch Transformers The Movie. Yes)

So thats it. Gobots. Excuse me whilst I play with Mr Noose. He’s much more entertaining

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Thursday, October 30th, 2008 Media

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