You’re a young adult, full and free with a spring in your step. You have a few laughs, a few innocent beers. All is well as you skip down the street, minding your own business whilst getting insanely drunk, smashing a few windows and mugging a couple of old ladies – but beware! Lurking in the darkness are evilly evil demons, wanting to use you as their puppet / slaves / novelty fruit bowls (delete as appropriate).
So how to avoid having apples stored in your nether-regions for all eternity? Well, simply take a glance at my handy guide expertly researched from five minutes of thought, to learn the best way to fight the darkness! W00t!
Doctor Who – The Daemons
Who? Azal, last of the Daemons. And considering that a Daemon is a skinny gay hobo covered in fake chest hair (can’t quite see the medallion) and wearing a party-mask, this isn’t surprising. Perhaps the rest of the Daemons fell over and broke their masks, and couldn’t be bothered to tramp over to Poundland to pick up a replacement?
The evil and aptly named Master, decides to evilly rule the world by evilly sneering and dressing as a vicar for five episodes. Whilst he abuses his confessional rights and stocks up on wine, an even eviller force is evilly brewing deep in evil underground evil crypts – the last of the Daemons, Azal has awoken, and tortures the world by subjecting it to 125 minutes of not-very-much-happening-but-Jon-Pertwee-likes-it-so-it-must-be-good hijinx. Highlights of his demonic powers include growing and shrinking at will (whilst naked). This is very scary. Also, he replaces a stone gargoyle with a bloke in a grey jumpsuit with an eternally sticking-out tongue and dances about for several minutes… before offering his great powers to the Master! Gasp!
How to defeat him: The Doctor’s plucky and easy… I mean feminist… companion, Jo, leaps out in front of Azal and blubbers a bit. Azal explodes for no good reason. Therefore to defeat Daemons, make sure you have a Blonde on your arm wherever you go. Unfortunately for readers of this site, that may prove difficult. A sex-change operation is therefore the way to go.
Who? Just about every single demon ever, ranging from a bloke with some putty on his head to a bloke with some putty on his chin. But wearing a cloak, which in the end is gosh darn important.
Buffy’s demons are generally personifications of normal teenage problems, such as lust, loneliness and anguish. Each week, Buffy must fight these monsters and restore order! Strangely enough, Buffy seems to lack the Acne-Monster, the Does-She-REALLY-Like-Me-Beast, the Skateboarding-Is-Kewl Overlord and the sinister What’s-That-Rash-On-My-Ass Demon. Ah, oversights….
How to defeat them: Generally, Buffy must reach inside herself (fnar-fnar) to overcome internal problems. Then beat the crap out of the bad guy of the week, teaching us that if we ever feel lonely or neglected, brutal physical violence is the only solution
Lord Of The Rings
Who? The Balrog
Dark creature of the unknown, the Balrog is a powerful creature, flaring into darkest night with wings of fire, an inhuman eternal roar issuing from it’s very being, one of fury and dread. An evil from the dawn of time, it’s power is immense, it’s legacy enormous. It can crush kings and cities alike, none can hope to stand in it’s wake
How to defeat it: Stand on a bridge and wave a pointy stick in its general direction.
Doctor Who – Battlefield
Who? The Destroyer
Called up by the evil witch, Morgaine the Destroyer had the power to… destroy! Or at least fire funky green lights about a small BBC set and lose the power of lip-synch. But he’s big and blue. Not quite like a giant Smurf, but it’s getting there. Thinking about it, Papa Smurf would make a better demon, since he has a beard, and all people with beards are, without exception, evil. I don’t have a beard, so you can trust me, little kiddies.
How to defeat it: Wait until it has a monster-identity crisis, then shoot it with a silver bullet. It will then explode. Seriously.
Transformers – Dawn Of Darkness
Let’s let the comic tell the tale…
Bumblebee, Jazz and Grimlock, along with several Decepticons have been attacked in the depths of Cybertron by a group of mysterious demons! Oh no! Despite killing a Firecon (who transformed by standing up) they are evil… but the good guys have no hope! None at all, and it’s only a matter of time before they are slain!
But what’s this – from out of the darkness comes…
EMIRATE XAARON WITH THE BIGGEST CANNON IN THE WORLD
Now, Megatron had a cannon on his arm. That was impressive. Galvatron turned into a cannon. That was even more impressive. But Xaaron’s cannon is so big that it needs a separate vehicle. And soon the demons learn that you never fuck with Xaaron’s troops, or he’ll fuck with you.
Yeah, take that!
Xaaron’s so cool that he tells the bad guys how they’re dying to their faces! Go Xaaron!
In tribute to Xaaron, I wrote a song. But it was crap, so I burnt the master tapes. Sorry.
To wrap up this article researched with the Necronomicon itself, what do you need to defeat a demon? Well, simply a Blonde, ninja skills, a pointy stick, silver bullets, and the BIGGEST FRICKIN’ CANNON IN THE WORLD.
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