I like to consider myself a hardcore coke addict. Not for me the tangy, acrid and opaque allure of the water from the taps. No, it is burning death to my insides all the way. During periods of stress, I tend to consume so much of it that I get diabetes from all the sugar. Luckily, I then consume even more, so like a second smash on the head, the incurable illness is cured!
For the uneducated masses, I shall give a lesson in the history of coke. But since no uneducated masses are reading this, I won’t. This is lucky as I haven’t a clue, apart from the fact that if you cover a corpse in coke and leave it for four days, there won’t be a trace left. And I only know that from personal experience…
It was on Saturday then, that I found myself wandering up to Birmingham City Centre for the sole reason of picking up some anime for my ‘friend’, Kevin. Kevin had arranged to meet a scary bloke, but instead decided that he needed to go to Bristol for no reason. So I had to make an hour round trek, because I’m a lovely, selfless guy (and so I could pick up some Transformer comics). On my way, I passed Tescos, and popped in since I needed some food for the weekend, having an empty cupboard. Working on the principle that Sherbet Lemons and Pretzels did indeed constitute a healthy meal to last 48 hours, my basket was soon full. Until I came across the coke section, with myriad different cokes. I was in heaven, and soon my hands were twisted and scarred from lugging around shopping bags full of different cans of coke.
So then I decided to totally destroy any chance I had remaining of being healthy, by drinking them all in one go and reviewing them
From the picture above was my battle plan. Sherbet Lemons and pretzels to keep me wanting more coke. Coke, Diet Coke, Caffeine-free coke, Pepsi, Pepsi Max and Dr Pepper were thrown into the mix. Diet Pepsi and Cherry Cola were present, but out of sight. And I let the tasting commence!
Regular coke is the usual form of Coke, responsible for 35% of all street crime, and 8% of all adult deaths. At least that’s what I read somewhere, and why should I doubt it?
Appearance: This can is a classical red colour. However be warned, for red signifies both danger and blood! Regular Coke can only be made from dangerous blood, therefore. This particular can also has printed on it that it is “Japanese Flavour” or something. But I’m not sure, and the pile of other cans in the graveyard behind my laptop say otherwise.
Aroma: The smell of the Coke is at once metallic. This has nothing whatsoever to do with the can, only the Coke inside. It has a dark yet tangy vibe, reminiscent of nights in Arabia, Egypt, Cuba, or all other kinds of exotic locations.
Taste: The first thing about drinking Coke is the fact that it burns your throat out in the same vein as sulphuric acid. As the dark, fizzing liquid is poured down your throat (you must do this quickly, or your face will be dissolved), it manages to be bland and tasteless, yet still have things going on (ie your impending death). There was a football under the ring pull. I was scared.
Diet Coke apparently makes you ultra-fit if you drink just one can. Therefore I am the fittest person on the planet.
Appearance: This can looks like someone scraped all the colour off, then gave it to a small child to eat. That’s the only explanation for the ‘design’. There are no special offers on this can, just silent death…
Aroma: Unlike regular Coke, Diet Coke smells lighter, and vibrant, bursting with life and dancing, dancing over the savanna. It also smells like burning rubber.
Taste: Diet Coke has a much lighter taste, burning less of your insides and leaving you with more vital organs intact. This means you can drink up to one can more before needing hospitalization. Strangely though, the bubbles seem to be under the liquid, sneaking up on you before kicking you in the kidneys. But it says “Diet”, so it must be healthy
Caffeine-Free Diet Coke
The only Coke in the world that I have not tasted, Caffeine-Free Diet Coke seemed to be advertising the fact that it was empty inside, like a soulless demon or Britney Spears. It was also very hard to find, in a Holy Grail way. Not the DVD, the cup.
Appearance: In an effort to make it look cool, the can has simply been painted gold. Apparently this makes up for the ‘taste’. If only the Coke itself was gold, then we might be onto a winner…
Aroma: Put bluntly, it smells like bins.
Taste: This was a strange journey into uncharted waters for me. Perhaps I should have turned back the moment I heard the sinister hissing sound as I opened the can, but I didn’t. Put bluntly, this is Satan’s personal Coke. It is flat, yet at the same time fizzy. It tricks you into drinking enough to send you into spasms when it kicks in and burns your throat. It is Evil Coke, Anti-Coke, Coke Of Darkness. It is crap, and not even gold can save it.
Cherry Coke was first mentioned in the song “Lola”, since the writer couldn’t get permission to use “Coca-Cola”. Oh, the irony. Luckily, drinking Cherry Coke doesn’t mean you’re a transvestite as in the song. It just means that you’re making a doomed attempt to seem cool
Appearance: This can is kewl d00d, with its wacky typeface which was seemingly designed by a monkey. See how wacky it is? Mmm?
Aroma: Coke is supposed to be made from vegetable extracts, yet this has cherries in it! Obviously some terrible and dark chemical reaction has taken place, leaving the whiff of evil about it.
Taste: Cherry Coke is utterly identical to real Coke, apart from the fact that the makers seem to have bunged a few cherries in as an afterthought. I hate cherries.
Doctor Pepper is only being counted here because its evil red can tries to trick people that it is Cokey-goodness. But do not be fooled!
Appearance: Doctor Pepper claims to be misunderstood. But its cans chameleon-like ability to hide amongst normal cans of real Coke shows the true sinister nature it contains
Aroma: It smells fruity. Like a lolly. But not as solid, nor innocent and delicious. Doctor Pepper is more akin to a cruel, beefy mugger who will smash you over the face with a jackhammer in a back alley.
Taste: The main taste is one both tangy and fruity. But it DOESN’T COUNT and tries to trick you into thinking it is Cola, when in fact it is not! It contains all the gas in the world apparently, but worse, is made from fruit, not vegetables. It is truly the anti-Coke, more so even than everything else I have assigned this label to.
At this point, my internal organs are beginning to protest, and my kidney attempts to strangle me. I press on however, to Coke’s rival – Pepsi!
Appearance: Pepsi comes in the now infamous blue can. Of course, when they first started to talk about ‘blue Pepsi’, I was convinced they were making the drink itself blue. Disappointment followed
Aroma: Pepsi has a much sharper aroma, giving the impression of a can which is full of knives and razorblades. Lovely.
Taste: Due to the knives inside, there is a much sharper taste, though the burning sensation is still present as normal. The can, when empty, is heavier than empty Coke cans. I find this very sinister indeed.
Diet Pepsi is…. Diet Coke, but not. I for one find this scary.
Appearance: The can claims to have a “new look” and “great taste”. However, since it seems to just be the old white can with all the paint rubbed off, such claims are put into a dark, misty light.
Aroma: Diet Pepsi smells like Pepsi that’s been kicked about and left in the sun all day long. Yum! This is probably why it is so ’special’ and healthy. Because if you drink it, you’ll never want to eat anything ever again. Or will be unable, whatever.
Taste: Diet Pepsi tastes like a mix of water and crusted sugar, though perhaps the fact that I’ve now killed my stomach has something to do with this. But still, Diet Coke kicks its Pepsi counterpart across the floor
What is Pepsi Max? Does anybody actually know? Or even care? One thing is true though, it scares me. Giving drinks a name… What’s next, Pepsi Fred? Pepsi Dave? Pepsi, you sicken me.
Appearance: When a can is the same as all other cans, but just with the word “MAX” written on it, you know that someone, somewhere, just isn’t trying anymore.
Aroma: For some reason, Pepsi Max has the sickening aroma of Golden Syrup. Or perhaps that’s just because my insides are rotting. Whatever the case, it’s not nice.
Taste: It’s like drinking a snake. Argh. Can’t… drink… any more…
In conclusion then, it is insanely unhealthy to drink eight cans of Cola. Don’t. Ever.
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