The world is a wonderful place, right? The sun shines, the flowers glow… but wait, what’s that dark cloud on the horizon? Yes – it’s the dark cloud… of porn. Filthy old men in dirty overcoats, peddling their wares on street corners… but there is an even more… sinister side. More fiendish than weird Japanese tentacle fetishes, more insidious than German… TV. No, today the lid shall be blown wide open on…
(Don’t worry, this article is strictly PG rated. No, wait, don’t go!)
The internet was once a pure medium, a repository for those interested in films, games and bomb-making to pool their knowledge. But no more! My first inkling of a sickening, twisted underworld came when my good friend (no longer!) Neal, found, via portalofevil.com, a weird, strange site. Sadly he was in a very public place when he did this, and so shouting “Hey Matt, come look at what I’ve found” probably wasn’t the best course of action. But what had he found? Two robots – Transformers – doing… stuff.
Yeah, I know
What I really want to know is who would spend valuable seconds of their life drawing stuff like that, as opposed to infinitely more constructive activities, such as sleeping, or typing pathetically unfunny articles on some third-rate website. There was only one person to investigate – only one hard-nosed reporter with the courage and bravery to pull through!
Sadly he was busy, so it had to be me.
In order to delve into this world, I would have to READ some of this stuff. Sadly that would
a) Require effort
and b) Be sick sick sick and disgusting
I had instead lazily fired off several e-mails to writers of this fiction, to try to get an interview. But the porn barons were onto me, and snubbed me at every turn! Probably putting their toys into erotic poses – hang on, I do that… why don’t I write this stuff? Anyway, instead I shall take a look at those that are really damaged by these perversions – the Transformers themselves!
All pictures have been edited to protect the identities of those involved.
1 – “Dog”
After placing an advert in the local paper, I was deluged with calls from Transformers wishing to talk their sick addictions over. The first such one shall be called “Dog,” a clever alias which in no way is related to his real name. “Dog” and I had a long discussion, the highlights of which are printed below:
“For as long as I remember, I’ve always wanted to be a human… in order to satisfy this desire, I did the next best thing and went inside humans… they didn’t always like it though, and often struggled. Luckily I was able to crush their faces with my bare hands… My hologram projector would project naked women over my body, so the human males would come close.. until it was too late!”
I then questioned him as to why it was just males his preyed on, to which he replied:
“I dunno… all us Transformers are male (even Arcee – I have some pictures that would make you cry) and so I suppose it’s got something to do with that… yeah… sorry, just looking at you… pretty boy…”
After that interview, I wasn’t able to walk straight for a week.
2 – “Tripredicus Agent”
In the deserted areas of San Francisco is said to stalk “Tripredicus Agent,” a Decepticon Transformer, who gets his kicks out of… erm… well, anyway, in order to lure him out of hiding, I set up an ingenious plan – a fake inflatable doll that was lying about that in no way I owned was to be set in the middle of nowhere, and when “Tripredicus Agent” came to.. erm.. ravage it, I would leap out and take pictures. However I didn’t realise that the whole “leaping out” thing would leave me out in the open.
Damn, that guy was strong…
3 – “Frenzy”
Loving relationships are also possible. The Transformer above, who I shall call “Frenzy” likes to rumble with humans, but in a kind, caring way. That was until I found him and his ‘friend’ (above) and took their picture, selling it to the tabloids and making the two outcasts from society. Ha!
4 – “Dave” and “Bill”
Transformer-Transformer relationships are also rife. Often the Transformers involved read the porn fanfic and believe it is okay to do what they do, not realising that they are, in fact, cold, emotionless robots! Tsk. “Dave” and “Bill” have, for several weeks now, been carrying out Autobot-Decepticon relationship exercises. They came to me for help, but instead I’m blackmailing them. Game on!
5 – “Gayboy Tracks”
Bondage is another favourite Transformer pastime, begun when, in the war, prisoners decided they liked to be tied up. The Transformer above, whom I shall call “Gayboy Tracks” to craftily disguise his own name, is one that liked this so much that he’d make an extra special effort to get captured each week and have new and unusual tortures. Eventually, however, it got to the point where the Decepticons were sick of capturing him to fulfil his twisted desires, and so absolutely refused to take him prisoner ever again.
6 – “Megan”
It was a great surprise when “Megan,” a non-descript leader of the Decepticons arrived at my house wishing to tell his tale. He spoke to me of the pressures of leading a bunch of idiotic morons, and the stress of having to devise a laughably pathetic plan that will definitely fail each week. To combat such problems, he would relieve himself with his troops, forcing them into depraved orgies and games of Scrabble. Luckily he tells me that he is on the road to recovery, seeing a psychologist about his Scrabble addiction.
So there we have it – the existence of Transformer porn has turned what were once powerful robot warriors into powerful robot warriors who sleep together. Life will never be the same again.
Oh, one last picture, but this one is so depraved and graphic that it cannot be shown here. If you really, really have to, click here to see Nightbeat giving Chromedome head.
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