doctor who
The Revenge of Yartek, Leader of the Alien Voord
Beware the man who knocks four times
BANG BANG BANG BANG. “HELLO?” Yartek continued to smash the phone against the brickwork. Some rather expensive technology started to crack and splinter under the strain.
Yartek didn’t care. It wasn’t his phone.
“I KNOW you can hear me!” he bellowed, his squeaky, girly voice echoing down the phone line. “I can hear you giggling.”
“That’s better.”
“What do I want? You know what I want? I want back in!”
“Yeah, I want to be in Doctor Who again.”
“Of course you can do it, you’re the producer.”
“Sod off! You brought the MACRA back!”
“I don’t care iey’ve got a good union. Screw the Macra.”
“Oh. Ew.”
“No, really. I’m like, the alien version of Che Guvera.”
“Yeah, I’ve sold millions of posters. Well, one.”
“Look, I’ve got this great idea. Basically I team up with the Borad and lead a crack team of dinosaur-riding Nimon through time and space to… hello?”
Yartek, former leader of the glorious Alien Voord, who once nearly ruled an entire planet sunk to his knees and started crying.
“Oh god pleeeeeease!”
The line went dead. Yartek snarled, throwing the phone angrily at the body of the man he had borrowed it from and slunk back to Voord Towers. He had called his home Voord Towers in the hope that it might convince poncy media-types that he was at the top of his game, but it was in fact just a few cardboard boxes stacked on top of each other covered in fairy lights and situated under a bridge.
Tags: doctor who, Voord, Yartek
Dear Mr Doctor Who
Dear Mr Doctor Who
I enjoy your adventures tremendously, as you battle against evil in the Universe and in Surrey. I fight evil too, and you are my role model, along with Bananaman. Most of the evil I fight consists of the boys who throw stones in my village, but I want to buy a TARDIS so I can also fight evil in Bulgaria because they are never on the news and so I think they are up to something, possibly involving stuffing puppies with depleted uranium. My evil fighting name is Turtlewind. As names go, it is not as good as yours, but it is better than Bananaman. › Continue reading
Tony Lee On New Who Comics
The New York Comic Con has been raging on, and one of the more interesting pieces of news coming out of it is that IDW, flush from the success of all their miniseries have commissioned a new Doctor Who ongoing comic. I was lucky enough to be able to catch up with begoateed British writer Tony Lee who is on the project to answer a few questions.
But Voord fans (yes both of you) will be disappointed…
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img src=”http://www.redshirt.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/tonylee.jpg” alt=”" />
Tony has in the past had a lot of success, not only writing the acclaimed Doctor Who miniseries The Forgotten, but also Starship Troopers, X-Men and an incredible amount of original work. It is said that if he ever stops writing then the world will blink out of existence.
<span style=”text-decoration: underline;”>On Mr Tony
1 – Have you ever dressed up as a giant pink Care Bear?
Yes. I have. Move on, Marshall › Continue reading
Doctor Who – Timelash
Ah, Doctor Who, that finest of all vintage programmes… that show that keeps on winning award for best tv programme year after year… that establishment of British sci-fi that has seen fans of lesser shows grit their teeth and snarl.
Of course, the problem with vintages is that it’s so easy to create some cork-ridden puddle of vinegar.
For every good Who story there is its opposite – A Twin Dilemma for every Caves of Androzani; a Revenge of the Cybermen for every Genesis of the Daleks… in the Tom Baker era, there were many, many classic stories, with few duds.
The duds were saved up especially for Colin Baker.
I’m a Who fan, but just like Dr Crippen, there are some things impossible to defend.
Ladies and gentlemen… I give you…
TIMELASH
Oh dear… where to begin. Perhaps I shall start by pointing out that the title is an anagram of ‘Lame Shit’. That gives you some indication of the quality to expect › Continue reading
How I Nearly Became The Eleventh Doctor
You may know, dear reader, that the Mysterious and Magical Mr Turtlewind esq has been the subject of many a frenzied public debate. From being a celebrity chef with my classic Tarte a la Boue, to hosting dinner parties the talk of the shanty-town, and even the perennial “we know you did it but we can’t prove it so off you go” dance I do with the nice men in blue hats every so often. But what you may not realise is that I, not Mr Matt Smith, was originally cast in the part of the eleventh Doctor!
Growing up, the young Turtle would watch with rapt attention at the screen as Mr Tom Baker fought with all manner of monsters. ‘At last’, I thought! ‘Someone I can identify with, who like me has great problems struggling with cardboard boxes and likes to live in a wooden crate.’ But my childhood innocence was forever crushed when he jumped off some scaffolding and turned into a space bogey. I vowed that day upon my tear-stained copy of The Junior Doctor Who Guide To Scorpion Training that if ever the chance came, I would take up the mantle of the errant Time Lord myself and steer the Tardis to even more muddy planets.
So it happened that some time last summer I was busy in my daily routine of scampering down the canal path catching butterflies in my mouth, when I was passed by a barge. › Continue reading
Dem Demons
You’re a young adult, full and free with a spring in your step. You have a few laughs, a few innocent beers. All is well as you skip down the street, minding your own business whilst getting insanely drunk, smashing a few windows and mugging a couple of old ladies – but beware! Lurking in the darkness are evilly evil demons, wanting to use you as their puppet / slaves / novelty fruit bowls (delete as appropriate).
So how to avoid having apples stored in your nether-regions for all eternity? Well, simply take a glance at my handy guide expertly researched from five minutes of thought, to learn the best way to fight the darkness! W00t!
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Doctor Who – The Daemons
Who? Azal, last of the Daemons. And considering that a Daemon is a skinny gay hobo covered in fake chest hair (can’t quite see the medallion) and wearing a party-mask, this isn’t surprising. Perhaps the rest of the Daemons fell over and broke their masks, and couldn’t be bothered to tramp over to Poundland to pick up a replacement? › Continue reading
The Ten Worst Ideas in Doctor Who
So Matt Smith is the eleventh Doctor, and already the internet has not only exploded, but imploded with bitching about how he is too young, too pretty / ugly, not David Tennant, etc etc. People who have kids have reported them running upstairs crying, nerds on the internet have proclaimed Doctor Who is ruined forever, and Satan has popped out of hell, said “Cor, its a bit hot up here luv” and vanished again.
But lets get this into perspective. We’ve not seen Matt as the Doctor and that will be the deal breaker. Heck, I thought exactly the same about David Tennant when he got the role, that he was a nobody who wouldn’t be able to hold up to the greatness of Eccleston, and now he’s become my favourite Doctor ever. I’m sure there was even worse grousing when Sylvester McCoy was cast, and he turned out fantastic! Doctor Who is pretty hard to ruin forever. Sydney Newman, the creator said that he didn’t want any ‘bug eyed monsters’ in the show since that would ruin it, and the very second story featured the Daleks. We all know how that turned out!
So the jury’s still out. As I always say, the proof is in the pudding, and I am waiting with my bib and spoon out. As long as Matt gets a scarf to cover his freakishly long neck, I’ll be happy. And it could so easily be worse. The night before he was cast I had a dream that it was him playing the next Doctor, but that his companions would be four robot children! Below are the ten worst things that has ever happened in Doctor Who that still failed to ‘ruin the programme forever’. › Continue reading
The Second Secret Of Doctor Who
In 1963 the BBC decided that they needed to create a programme that would last an eternity and imbue itself in the heart and soul of a nation, create a show that would run and run and run, be popularist yet intelligent. But instead, they created Doctor Who.
But Doctor Who was not always to be a series about a kindly old man who kidnaps teachers and beats up aliens, oh no › Continue reading
Torchwood Christmas Special
Ianto was crying again. It was the sort of guttural sobbing that everyone in Torchwood was accustomed to, where it looked like he’d poured a bucket of water over his head and was whining “noo nooo noooo” in a way that rhymed with ‘moo’. Previous crying fits had been caused by the death of loved ones, being forced to have the smallest slice of pizza, and Owen putting his ’special’ mayonnaise on Ianto’s salad.
This time, it was brought on by the gun that Captain Jack held to his head.
› Continue reading
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