I have returned humans. Know me.
(1.) What is the first interesting thing that you see when you look around the room?
Barry the Scorpion! My rascally little armour-plated life partner. A little older, a little frailer, but still poking venom into the feet of passing children on Dagenham High Street like the practical joker he’s always been…
(2.) What can you hear at the moment?
The wind whistling through the rafters of Turtle Grange, banging doors and windows and shrieking through the lonely dark spaces. It almost sounds like words, whispering ‘They know. Kill them all.’
(3.) What is on your computer desk?
Not a computer, unfortunately. I am still reduced to composing reviews by yelling ‘beep!’ down a telephone wire. I’ve still got that framed autograph of Harold Pinter’s willy though.
(4.) What was the last question someone asked you?
“Are you a real doctor?” It’s amazing how often people come out with that old chestnut, I thought we lived in a society of equal opportunities these days, with more emphasis on vocational qualifications. I mean, I’ve been trying to get ladies to open their shirts so I can put my hands on their boobies for TWENTY YEARS now! Surely that makes me more qualified to do so than some stripling not two months out of medical school?
(5.) What was the last question you asked someone?
“Are you a real policeman?” You see, they don’t like a taste of their own medicine!
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