Turtlewind
The Ballad of Ibuprofen
There was once a young Turtle (with no fin)
Ever’one said he was loafin’
His posts were not grand -
On mud pies and sand
So here I’ve written one on Ibruprofen › Continue reading
Morning Sickness
Many have been the times where I have awoken feeling sick, retching over my pillow then going back to sleep on it. Feeling dizzy then crashing back down upon my piles of lager cans. Hopping about on one foot until I inadvertently stagger into the remains of last night’s fun, before stuffing it in a bin liner and burying it out in the garden deep so the neighbour’s dog can’t find it. Yes, I’m talking about morning sickness. › Continue reading
Stigmata Made Easy
One day, I was idly pruning my nettles which reside outside my house in an attempt to kill children, when I noticed a peculiar occurrence – the palms of my hands were bleeding, and it wasn’t because I’d lost a game of stabby-stabby with my mum. No, it was a stigmata, ie religious bleeding.
At first, I thought one of the little punks from the Primary School had taken pot-shots at me again, › Continue reading
The Name’s Turtlewind, Mr Turtlewind…
Dear Mr James Bond
First let me say how much I admire your dedication to the secret services and the war on terror in your recent documentary Goldeneye. Your tireless devotion to eradicating terrorists by, er, blowing up trains and hijacking aircraft is an example to us all. › Continue reading
Zombie Hunting For Beginners
There’s nothing more annoying than waking up one morning to find a zombie standing over your bed, murmuring something about “brains…” or other equally uninteresting subjects. Of course, any sensible person has a vial of holy water by their bedside for just this eventuality, but it’s such a nuisance cleaning up the bits of dead skin from all over your room.
Obviously this isn’t the most common of instances – I can count the number of times it’s happened to me on the fingers of my remaining hand › Continue reading
Dating Advice
Being quite the Caligula with the ladies, I feel it prudent to offer my own dating advice for those members not blessed with my own skills in wooing the opposite sex. So below is my guide, furnished from literally years of experience and lawsuits. › Continue reading
Moth Farming For Fun And Profit
As many of my friends and remaining family know, I love to partake in the ancient field of moth-farming. Every evening after work, I take my car down to the local moth farm to help my fellow workers in cultivating next year’s crop of moths. It’s a dangerous and dirty buisiness, but someone has to do it. And the pay is good (subsidised by the government)
Moth farms are one of the least-known agricultural projects in the UK, › Continue reading
Coathangers – My Flexible Friends
Greetings one and all! Whilst smoking fine cigars in my study the other day, I idly had a thought. Stubbing the cigar out on my little armoured pal Barry (ruffle his armour-plating, the scamp) I hurried upstairs to greet my friends. But instead of a real person in my cupboard (honest!) there were just coathangers. Yes, the humble coathanger has been more of a friend to me than ANY of the people I met in the many correctional institutions I have been an esteemed guest at.
› Continue reading
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