The Worst Story… EVER!
As a few people here might be aware, I used to be in charge of the Birmingham Uni Sci-Fi Society (although I use the word ‘in charge’ in its loosest concept here). The society aimed to publish a magazine every year, although it never managed to produce anything in all my years at Universitys. After a desperate plea for material, my drunken perverted Welsh friend Chris stepped up to the challenge and pint in one hand, penned the below. I’m putting it online with his permission, since he’s a scary, scary man. Just look at him…
This work will scar you for life. If you are offended by anything ever, please go to a less disturbing site. About bestiality or whatever…
FUCK. I needed one. How fortunate I was in a graveyard. And with a shovel. Hooray!
I wandered through the mass of tombstones looking for dead women ( Dead women can’t say no!). But I needed to find a suitable victim …uh…partner! partner!
I needed to find a recently deceased body, one slightly decomposed with as little smell as possible but with plenty of lubricating juices. Mmmm…juices.
I found a suitable grave, and started to dig furiously. Unfortunately, being a drunken fat bastard, after two minutes I collapsed gasping for air and a large bottle of vodka. At that point, I heard a sound coming from the other side of the graveyard, and it wasn’t anyone else from the necrophiliac society. I moved across the graveyard, hiding behind tombstones, until I found the source of the noise. It was two men talking, a blue skinned, bald man in a scientist’s coat and a bearded man in an army uniform. It was Doctor Colossus, Master of Cartoon Villainy, and Fidel Castro! I listened intently to their conversation:
“Hello Castro, I though you were dead?”
“Aha, the American pigs failed in their attempt to kill me with their nuclear cigar. Instead of destroying me, it gave me radioactive powers. Ha ha ha ha ha”
“I have the machine you ordered, the ray for Operation: L-Beam”
“Hooray!” Castro cried. “Along with my new powers, I will rule the world!”
“What are your powers?” Colossus asked.
” Look at my very impressive beard. See how it glows?”. Colossus inched closer.
I watched intently, and it seemed something had changed with Castro. He began to glow green, ad his beard looked very impressive. This beard seemed more alive than Castro itself, and indeed, it was! The beard lept off Castro’s face and landed on Colossus’ head. “Hooray, what a nice present, a wig!” Colossus cried before being choked to death by the powers of Castro’s prehensile beard.
Luckily I was working for the British secret service, (Plot Device TM) and so hurried back to London to report to my superiors. Unfortunately, due to my dishevelled appearance, covered with mud and with a lower torso under my arm (portable necrophiliac sex aid!) , I could not take public transport to London. On reflection, the decision to walk to London may have been a mistake as I seemed to pass many, many interesting pubs along the way, all of which were very welcoming and full of cheap booze. ( Please note : any pub is friendly when walking in with body parts, covered in blood and mud with a slightly insane look on your face while talking to your pig Geoffrey, who no-one else can see).
Several months ( and a liver transplant later ) I arrived in London. Unfortunately due to my long side-trip, Castro had already started to take over the world, and I hadn’t a fucking clue where I was going or what I was doing. Luckily, I called into a office building to ask directions which just happened to be the secret service. (Plot Device TM) After sobering me up by dipping me in a vat of coffee for several days, they told me what had happened.
Project: L-Beam had been a complete success for Castro. The first stage involved firing the beam, which made every single woman in the world turn into a lesbian! The resulting chaos made every man instantly stop and watch. The obvious fatal flaw in the plan was ugly, fat lesbian women and so Castro cloned millions of supermodel soldiers, all of whom would be rushed to spots of very ugly women.
Attempts by super heroes to stop repeatedly failed, they were either bemused by the mass lesbian orgies taking place, or were strangled to death by Castro’s beard of evil. Of course, the female super heroines were all very occupied, including Super Gran! (Mmmm… remember her – you do know and you’ll never forget… ha ha ha ha!!!).
The government showed me their secret plan – to fight Castro with more prehensile hair and perhaps smother him to death. Their first subject had been Laurence Llewelyn Bowen – immune to the effects of the ray and with a tremendous amount of hair – enough to kill Castro. However, Bowen misunderstood his mission and proceeded to the Cuban palace, where he proceeded to ignore Castro and paint his home in lurid colours and build large pieces of shitty furniture from MDF. Fool! Castro, enraged at this but aware of Bowen’s hair power shot him instead, and so Bowen’s brain splattered over the walls, to which he replied, “Nice shade!” before dying.
The second subject was the ultimate secret weapon, with the most impressive beard in the world – Brian “Gordon’s Alive!” Blessed. My mission was to escort him to Cuba where the bearded duel would take place, Castro either dying by beard strangulation, or if this failed, Blessed would destroy Cuba itself by shouting louder than any mortal could! Castro and Blessed finally met on the shores of Cuba, Castro spouting Communist dogma, and Blessed screaming – “Gordon’s alive?” Following a titanic battle, Blessed fell to the earth, ready to scream louder than any mortal man could. I had only one chance to save the day – “Blessed, I cried – you’re a shit actor! People only employ you in crappy Doctor Who shows to run around with your beard and shouting. Your beard has more acting ability than you” ! Blessed, realising his usefulness, shot himself. I had betrayed my country and the world to an insane Communist, but why?
“Lets talk about those lesbian super-models you have” I asked Castro.
“Yes comrade, of course, everything belongs to the people in Cuba, Hooray!”
“Got any dead ones?” I asked.
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… That is the worst story ever.
Also, I have a Brian Blessed action figure. Well. Not really. But he looks like one.
That story was weird but somehow awesome. No not really but it was funny. It entertained me for about five minutes or so. I don’t even know what to say other then that.
Gosh though. That’s kind of creepy but funny. Omigosh though.
Yeah, that was like random stuff in it and yeah. Wow. Is that guy like a poof or what?