My shelf is a strange place, with many different objects and creatures (such as my cat) trying to climb upon it to be ridiculed by everyone, instead of just me. One such recent addition to this shelf of mockery is none other than a Beast Wars Transformer – Polar Claw! But what has Polar Claw, a big fat polar bear, actually done to deserve such an honour? Lets take a look at him…
Here we can see Polar Claw in all his manly glory. And when I say manly, I really mean “like some fat guy wearing tights”. But still, it impresses me. However, the movie The Scorpion King impressed me, so I doubt I’m some sort of industry benchmark. Within his portly frame though, this bear is truly More Than Meets The Eye… because he had pie for tea. And also because of the below:
1 – Two Heads…
Polar Claw is so cool that he doesn’t need just one head… but two! This means that he has one head for looking at people, and another head for reading things. The possibilities are endless – apart from the fact that I can’t think of anything plausible. The real reason for this second head was that the first year of Beast Wars toys (I mean Adult Collectable Figures) all had a second head – a mutant head. This served the sole purpose of Hasbro being allowed to lie and write “it has TWO robot modes” on the box, when blatantly the second robot ‘mode’ consisted solely of looking at the back of your Adult Collectable Figure’s head. I love crap gimmicks like this!
2 – Death Claw, GO!
Polar Claw has two shoulder-mounted cannons. The one on the right, when you flick a spring, shoots out… a claw. About 2 inches in front of him. I’m sure that this would come in extremely useful when fighting battle hardened Predacons armed with the latest thermal missiles and portable artillery. A claw that limply extends past your nose.
3 – The Best Gimmick In The World… EVER
On his left shoulder is the coup de grace, Polar Claw’s ultra secret weapon! What could it be? What device of evil could it fire? It’s obviously a spring-loaded missile of some kind, since spring-loaded missiles can never be bad. If I had my way, everything would come with spring-loaded missiles, from remote controls (so you can shoot anyone who tries to take it off you) to ones mounted on cars (so you can shoots cars you don’t like. With a three-foot plastic wedge). But no, Hasbro executives sat down at the table, and had a thought. “What are polar bears most associated with…”. Then they threw their answers out the window, to create the most counter-intuitive thing ever:
Yes, he fires A BAT. Press the button and his foot shoots off to turn into a bat. A white bat. Because… obviously. It’s utter, utter genius. “Of course”, shout the little kiddies. “All polar bears shoot bats like missiles. It’s the law of nature.” For the bat alone, Polar Claw gets some kind of medal.
4 – Wooooo!
As part of his transformation, Polar Claw has a flap covering his… vitals. You can lift it away. I’m actually quite disturbed that I thought of this. Another trip to the psychologist, methinks…
5 – Big, Big Teeth.
Polar Claw in his polar bear mode, can bare his teeth… if he rears up on his legs. Unfortunately when that happens, he just falls over. So he actually has a special “spinning about helplessly on his massive stomach” mode. Much like my friend Neal every time he falls off his chair…
So that’s Polar Claw – a tight wearing, overweight guy who shoots bats. I love him to bits – but that’s just telling, not showing. Let us now spy on our hero in action. As we join Polar Claw, he has just bravely beaten up a Kinder Egg Teeny Terrapin to take his pet pig…
POLAR CLAW: Yum yum… tastes just like… Kentucky Fried Chicken. Bah
TERRAPIN: I’m going to tell on you!
POLAR CLAW: What’re you gonna do? Call the toy police? Don’t make me laugh…
POLAR CLAW: Oh, right. I’m not laughing…
RiD PRIME: Come on guys, like we saw on TV… take him one at a time
G1 PRIME: Your reign of evil is at an end!
POLAR CLAW: Hmm, no way out, unless…
G1 PRIME: Oh dear GOD! That’s horrible! Eeeeaugh! See a doctor, man! Aaah
POLAR CLAW: Well… not quite the effect I was hoping for, but still…
A while later
EVA: Hah, got you!
POLAR CLAW: No you haven’t. I’m a totally different person
EVA: No you’re not, you’re a polar bear
POLAR CLAW: Yes, but I have a different face
EVA: I didn’t get a good look at the face… but go on. Having a small Japanese schoolgirl regularly inserted into my neck seems to have made my sense of judgment extremely wonky
POLAR CLAW: Go bat, go!
DALEK: AAAAAAH. LOGIC-CIRCUITS-MELTING…
POLAR CLAW: Only one left… uh-oh!
RiD PRIME: Hold it right there, tight-boy
POLAR CLAW: …
RiD PRIME: I mean you wear tights… yeah…
POLAR CLAW: Heh, still not going to get rid of me this time… secret weapon, FIRE
RiD PRIME: …
…dammit Polar Claw. You suck mightily.
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