One of the innate mysteries of the universe is not “where is Atlantis” “What is inside a black hole” or “How come all those kids spent all that money on Pokemon cards”. No, it is “Why oh why do grown men spend all their money on toys!”
I don’t know the answer to that, I buy Collectable Action Figures.
The glut of Star Trek figures is one which reached Star Wars proportions. Not happy with a figure of each principle character, the company behind the toys, Playmates, decided that every time a character on screen wore a different item of clothing, that clothing must be represented in plastic form. Tiny, misshapen plastic form. And so I give you the greatest Star Trek figures known to man!
1 – Talosian
Who is the greatest Star Trek villain? Is it Kang the Klingon? Um, Rob the Romulan? Spot the Cat? No, it is the guy with the big head from the original pilot episode The Cage. The Cage starred Captain Pike as opposed to Kirk, and these scary fellows had him trapped in a Cage using the powers of their mind! Articulation is a must on collectable figures such as this, and so the Talosian can only wiggle his arms up and down pathetically whilst imagining naked green dancing girls. Just like me, really…
2 – Old Picard In A Hat
No, its not Van Gogh, this is, in fact, Picard with a beard and a hat. No Star Trek collection is complete without a vineyard-owning Picard trotting about the Bridge mumbling about the weevils in the latest potato harvest. I bet any kid would have LOVED this for Christmas, far better than any exciting action figure.
3 – Riker With A Badger On His Head
Like the old Picard, this figure is from the last Next Generation episode “All Good Things”. It just keeps hitting them out the park! In the future, Riker is an Admiral, and so is wearing his ceremonial badger on his noggin (just as Kirk had his tribble to keep his head warm during those long cold nights when Spock was on away missions)
4 – Worf As A Pirate
I wanted to write about how hilarious it is that Worf is dressed as a pirate, but I’m told he is actually a cowboy. But come on! This figure is now worth a whopping 15p on the collectors market, so if you have one, you can send your kid to college for about 2 seconds…
5 – Mugatu
I don’t know much about this guy, the sole reason he is amazing is that the spines on his back turn into a comb, so all the cool Star Trek fans can comb their hair before their big date! As all Star Fleet captains have no hair though, he is powerless against them. The Mugatu menaced Kirk for a bit (well, who didn’t) and its favourite colour is puce.
6 – Data In A Hat
It seems in one episode, Data had to wear a hat and put on a very unconvincing fake moustache. This epic event is commemorated in this handsome hunk of plastic here. I was going to hazard a guess and say it was from the episode Time’s Arrow, but apparently it was from the episode “A Fistful of Datas”. It seems that the Producers either had a real hard-on for Data, or that the actor had it strictly stipulated in his contract that he must dress up as a cowboy at least once a season. I hope there is a seperate action figure for all his other hat-related outings!
7 – Geordi
Apparently I am useless for not knowing who this figure is. Obviously it is Geordi, the ship’s engineer. I thought Geordi was a blind black man, but apparently he is some sick-coloured alien with veins of stilton running through him. Deliciously obscure!
8 – Balok
I was very confused when I was shown this guy. A midget enjoying a beer does not a cool collectable make. But wait – it is Balok! Even if you don’t know who Balok is, you know who he is – he is that very scary yet unconvincing alien that appeared at the end of the credits of Star Trek, from the episode “The Corbomite Maneuver”. Balok was hiding behind the scary monster and was actually a small, child-like alien. With a beer.
9 – Data In Another Hat
Obviously Data and Playmates both love hats, as here is another figure of Data wearing a hat. Aren’t hats amazing! He can doff them at you in an astonishing action pose. I don’t know anything about this figure nor really want to know anything about it. All you need to know is that he has a hat, and that hats are cool.
10 – The Traveller
Apparently this guy is like Obi-Wan Kenobi to young Wesley Crusher. I hate Wesley with a burning passion, and so once more don’t actually care. Isn’t this a great attitude to have whilst writing an informative article about Star Trek figures!
11 – Tom Paris As A Newt
This is the shining beacon in any collection, and the one I want for myself so I may frame it and cover it in tribute. In the classic Voyager episode “Threshold”, Paris and Janeway managed to travel at warp 10, which meant that they travelled so fast that they were at every point of the universe at once. Even better than that, they then started turning into newt creatures, and then Tom humps Janeway and they have newt-babies (which come with the toy as well – BLISS)
Luckily the crew are able to turn them back into humans again, and everyone pretends that whole clusterfuck never happened. And a certain writer never ever worked again (actually, they put him in charge of all of Star Trek. The hell? Obviously someone at Paramount has a newt fetish)
So what have we learnt from today? Well, um… that hats are great, apparently…
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