Greetings one and all! Whilst smoking fine cigars in my study the other day, I idly had a thought. Stubbing the cigar out on my little armoured pal Barry (ruffle his armour-plating, the scamp) I hurried upstairs to greet my friends. But instead of a real person in my cupboard (honest!) there were just coathangers. Yes, the humble coathanger has been more of a friend to me than ANY of the people I met in the many correctional institutions I have been an esteemed guest at.
The origins of the coathanger stretch far back in the mists of history, lost to time. Or not, because in 1874, Charlie Coatwick was having an argument with his wife. In a fit of rage, he ripped the wire from her bra, and proceeded to beat her to death with it. He threw the wire out of the window and thought he would escape justice. Unfortunately Sherlock Holmes found the wire, and using his secret Crime Lab, discovered Charlie was the murderer. Coatswick was hanged the next day, and in a bitter fit of bitter irony, part of the gallows was constructed with that same piece of wire. And thus the coathanger was born!
Later on, some fellow made some wire to hang coats on. But that’s not nearly as interesting.
A coathanger may seem ordinary, but nay, it has a million uses, more than even the smartest computer (because all computers are stupid). I cannot count the times when I have been unable to find Christmas presents for my family and friends, and so instead simply wrapped a coathanger in festive paper. The look on their faces as they open their gift is a sight to behold, and many is the time when they would give me several merry slaps across the back and face with their fists in gratitude.
As a kid, my friends all got Transformers and Thundercats toys, whilst I was left with just a coathanger. But my coathanger was more powerful than even Lion-O or Optimus Prime, and really TRANSFORMED my playtime. When I would go round to my friends house (because they didn’t want to come round to mine for some reason), they would aim their toys at each other and go ‘bang bang bang’ with their little plastic guns. Then I’d straighten out the coathanger and leap from the bushes, slashing at their faces with the hook. Ah, happy childhood memories. What little rapscallions we all were back
Growing up, my friends left their childhood toys behind. Not me though, for the coathanger grew with me! In secondary school I was never the most popular youth. All the cool kids would cycle about, laughing at me. Until I fixed a coathanger round each leg and kicked at their wheels as they cycled past. And they never cycled again.
Coathangers have many uses. Some people use them as aerials. Fools. I have replaced my radio itself with a coathanger. Once, I found that the filling in my tooth could pick up radio signals. From there, it was simple to remove the filling and jam a coathanger in the gap. I had both free radio AND looked cool!
A simple coathanger can be used to easily break into a car too, not that I’d condone such things. Simply tape a brick to the coathanger and lob it at the window.
It has also improved my love life. I have found that tying a coathanger to each wrist improves my chances of a date when I stalk down the deserted city streets at night.
I hope this piece has made you judge our friend the coathanger better. It is a childrens toy, a PERFECT Christmas gift, a weapon, a radio and a sex aid. Never leave home without one!
- The Mysterious Mr Turtlewind, Lord Of All He Surveys
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