Many have been the people in the streets stopping me and asking who I am, and if I would like to accompany them to the station. No sir, I don’t want to travel on British Rail thank YOU! But it makes me realise that being an International Turtle of Mystery means I am quite mysterious. So I have filled out some godawful quiz so that you may survey my majesty. And by majesty I mean my HUGE WANG.
01. What time is it?
The Mysterious Mr Turtlewind esq.
03. Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake:
There were eleven candles, but one fell off when I jumped over the fence. I nearly had one with eight candles last week, but the little boy’s father rugby-tackled me as I tried to flee the party with my sponge-based trophy.
04. Hair colour:
The latest photofit says light brown, and I’m not going to give the Feds any extra clues…
I have a tattoo of a scorpion on my HUGE WANG. It used to fool Barry into greater intimacy, but he’s grown wise to my scampish tricks over the years.
06. How much do you love your job on a scale of 0-5:
5: just give me a piece of earth and a shovel and I’m a happy turtle. Garden, graveyard or building site, this world of mud will always produce some surprising entertainment!
07. Favourite colour:
Purple. I had a purple bunny once. But something… happened to it…
08. Home County:
09. Current Relationship Status:
Faked my own death to escape the invisible purple ghost of Thora Hird and her continual demands for lewd sexual congress.
10. Favourite food:
The ever-controversial Tarte a la boue! High in fiber and nutrients, with a hint of gritty realism in the saccharine aftertaste.
11. Been to Africa?
I once visited the dark continent briefly on a gun-running holiday. Damn Liberians double-crossed us though, so we had to shoot our way out. I still wake up sweating at nights with a head full of smoke and blood and torn flesh. And I giggle.
12. Been to Camden?
Yes, everyone looks like a hobo there and people wear lots of spikes, so I’m like a kid in a candy store running around picking out victims, and no one even notices my essential accessory Mr Stabby.
13. Loved somebody so much it made you cry?
To love a scorpion IS to cry. And to bleed.
14. Been in a car accident?
No, but I have witnessed several from the bushes after a merry evening of traffic light filching with David, Harold and Jamie.
15. Croutons or bacon bits?
The croutons were the scariest Doctor Who monsters ever!
16. Sprite or 7UP?
17: Favourite Movie:
Edward Scissorhands. It was just like my life, except they came to take him away from the dark old house and were nice to him. I hate you, Edward, and you are the one that deserves the bitter tears I weep each night.
18. Favourite Holiday:
It would have to be the Liberian trip. If only for the moment after we’d razed their village to the ground when we realised they hadn’t double-crossed at all, just wired the money to our Swiss bank account! Silly dead Liberians! Talk about laugh! We left a thank you card on their mass grave.
19. Favourite day of the week:
Wednesday. A lot of people leave the house on Wednesdays…
20. Favourite Toothpaste:
What’s toothpaste? Isn’t that something the Nazis did at Auschwitz to get gold fillings?
21 Favourite Restaurant:
Nowhere serves mud pies any more, I boycott restaurants and eat mud pies in the beer garden of Harvesters pubs instead.
22 Favourite Flowers:
I’m not gay, what kind of question is this? Who’s calling me gay?
23 Favourite beverage:
Anything with a strong flavour to mask date rape drugs.
24 Favourite sport to watch:
25 Preferred type of ice cream:
26 Favourite Sesame Street Character:
The one in the dustbin! Inspired by his example, I took to living in a dustbin, so I could ambush forraging hobos! A new lease of life!
27 Favourite Fast Food Restaurant:
28 When was your last hospital visit?
I work in a hospital silly!
29 What colour is your bedroom carpet?
Carpets are a bad idea, scorpion poo stains like hell.
30. How many times did you fail your drivers test?
I don’t drive, I scamper in a comic fashion by canals until burly men offer me a lift on their barges. They’re so attentive, like fathers I never had…
31 Who is the last person you read an opinion by before this?
Oh, I don’t know. Something crap written by some of you scum, probably.
32 Have you ever been convicted of a crime?
Teeheehee. Let’s just say I’ve never been SENTENCED for a crime. Yay sleeping gas bombs!
33 Which single store would you choose to max out your credit card?
Clinton Cards, OBVIOUSLY.
34 What do you do most often when you are bored?
Rough up hobos, train scorpions, catch butterflies between my teeth, make mud pies in old ladies’ gardens and bugger Posh Spice. The usual.
35 Most annoying thing people ask me:
“Who are you? Are you even a real person?”
7:30 with a drink of hot milk. My Mum said it would make me grow up into a handsome young man. Lying bitch.
37 Favourite TV show?
Casualty – laugh at the sick people!
38 Last person you went out to dinner with:
Barry Scorpion, Harold Pinter, David Beckham and Jamie Oliver. We debated capital punishment, as you may have read on this esteemed site.
39 Last Movie you saw:
K-Pax, it was about a man who said he was an alien and ate fruit and talked to animals. Phew, what a looney!
40 What time is it?
14:15 and I must go and eat some mud and talk to some scorpions.
I hope this has answered some of your boring questions about me.
Your friend, the Mysterious Mr Turtlewind Esq.
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